Dirty Little Secret

Alternatively Titled: Clean Little Secret

I should not be sharing this little secret about myself.  Its not like I need to give anyone else another reason to think I am totally weird.

I just could not resist sharing this with you.

I have been doing something for about 20 years now. 

Yes, I started when I was still in the womb. 

Not.

I read the directions on shampoo bottles.

A normal, well reasoning person would have deducted that they might not need to read the directions at all, as applying a soap based product to your hair is a fairly simple process.  But even if they did want to reinforce accuracy, surely once or twice would have been enough.

Not me.  I read every single bottle I buy, and sometimes more then once. 

In my normal practice of things, I decided to try out this new (to me) brand at Target.  I try to go organic whenever possible, and when that cannot be done, make sure it is at least free of parabens. 

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When I turned over the little guy to soak up the directions like a good book, I discovered this.

 

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Shampoo daily on wet hair while singing.

And you know what?

I did.

It never felt so good to be weird.

Knock Knock

(ha, did you totally say "Who's there?" in your head???)

Anytime we go anywhere, its a drive.  A typical outing to a grocery store is about 30 minutes away, so the kids and I have spent lots and lots of time in the car together.

Recently, my trusty DVD player broke, and there has been lots more bonding and singing and joke telling.

I use that term loosly, joke telling.

Its more like the most random words passed off in the form a joke.

Let me give you an example.

One of the kids will shout, "Knock knock!"

The other two will look at each other with great anticipation and shout, "WHO'S THERE?"

"Truck."

(they are really getting giddy now)

"TRUCK WHO?"

"Truck went to the store and found a bird and he had legs and his legs were orange and he liked letters!"

Ha, ha, ah ha, ha ha ha ha ha, ah ha ha ha…. they erupt into a harmonious laughter and are just delighted in their joke.

One more:

"Knock knock."

(looking at each other in wild anticipation then screaming in unison)

"WHO'S THERE?"

"Daddy."

"DADDY WHO?"  (they really are in unison, I kid you not)

"Daddy tells me to say "Come on in when someone says Knock knock!""

Uproarious laughter.  

One more.

"Knock knock."

Making the obligatory eye contact prior to responding.

"WHO'S THERE?"

"Jesus."

My dear sweet children (apparently in the same frame of mind) instead of saying, "Jesus who?" said,

wait for it….

"YAY!  YAY!!  YAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"

And started laughing and clapping with an excitement that rivaled visiting Disney World.

I guess they were pretty darn excited Jesus was at the door.

And man, was my momma heart proud at that moment!

 

 

Kids Will Be Kids

Last weekend we had the pleasure of spending lots of time over at my grandma and grandpas house in Bemidji.

My grandparents have this wonderful hill (awesome pics in that link) in their yard that I remember playing on as a wee little child.

I was wee once.

Anyway, my dad and cousin Scott and hubby were hanging out with the kids on the hill when they (yes, the adults) got the brillinat idea to send the kids down the hill in a mini car.

I was horrified and laughing nervously and kicking myself for not being the cool mom who can just go with the flow and lets the kids have fun when…

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I saw dear hubby sending down my baby.

My baby I tell you!

I think it occurred to him that she might need help steering or stopping, so he had a brilliant idea.

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 (love Scott's expression)

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Yeah.  She loved it.  

And I am pretty sure he did too. :)

Good and Bad of Parenting

Sometimes I feel like I was blessed with three wonderful and inquisitive and insightful children.

Other times I wonder if their disobedient behavior is a direct correlation to the dreadful way I behaved as a child.

Either way, there are good days and bad days.

Its a good thing that despite their behavior, they are loved and treasured every day.

 

 

The Good and the Bad of Parenting

Good: Your children have finally grasped the concept of picking up after themselves and being tidy.

Bad: They demonstrate this talent by trying to clean up the parking lot at Walmart… (i.e. used napkins, old gum, socks…)

 

Good: The kids are able to play independently on the computer and are really learning from great sites like Starfall and PBS kids.

Bad: They are curious by nature, and seem to be drawn to that delete button right by your in-box.

 

Good: Manners and Etiquette are starting to really sink in!

Bad: Your child now burps and farts everywhere you go just so he can proudly proclaim, “Excuse Me!”

 

Good: The kids want to help with laundry.

Bad: They start by taking every piece of clothing and folding it into a undistinguishable blob then get bored after seven minutes and leave you to re-do everything.

 

Good: You finally hit a stride in parenting where everyone has a general idea of what is expected of them, and you are able to co-exist peacefully.

Bad: You leave the house.

Confessions of a Cheap Mommy

This is my youngest child, my baby girl, my sweet giggly Audrey.

Exhibit A

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Although it would be fun to post pictures of her and talk about how cute she is and oohh and aahh over my precious little angel, thats not what has inspired me to share today.

I want to talk to you about a couple personality traits of mine.  Not just any old quirks… the two quirks that when used together produce a dangerous and often painful result.

The two personality traits in question are "cheap mommy" and "oh just let me do it!"

Alone, these traits can be ok.  Even beneficial!  Cheap mommy at the grocery store or a Chuck-E-Cheese is a good thing.

"Oh just let me do it!" mom is a breath of fresh air when you are trying to get on an elevator filled with seventeen people and your toddler stops in the door way and decides to tie their shoe even though they just learned yesterday.

But together… **shudder**

Exhibit B

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Audrey's bangs.  I thought I could cut them myself.  I thought I would be saving the family time and money.

I thought it was silly to take a one year old in for a 'bang' cut.

Silly, silly mommy!

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Yes.  I did this to my baby.

I may have scarred her for life.

Well, I may have scarred me for life.  If I hide the evidence I think she'll get over it.

What’s That In My Underware Drawer?

About six months ago, I made this little book for my niece. 

Before I made I went out and bought all things polka dot.  Polka dot paper and polka dot fabric and polka dot ribbon.  I LURVE polka dot.

Turns out I never needed to use the green and white polka dot fabric for my very girly and princessy niece, so it somehow ended up finding its home in my underwear drawer.

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Every single time I have opened my drawer in the last six months (Which is surely every single day as I place a great priority on maintaining extremely high standards of personal hygiene.   Or not.) I have seen that fabric and thought to myself,

"Oh!  Polka dot underwear!  I want to wear those today!"

Then been utterly disappointed when I realized it is the fabric.

Every.

Single.

Time.

Isn't that the definition of insanity?

Just sayin.

Is My Baby Mocking Me?

What you are about to read may or may not be a typical day in my house.  I may or may not be slightly crazy and may or may not have sent a letter to Sharpie asking that all black markers come with a child proof cap.  Just sayin.


8:37 A.M.  Examine the meager contents of
refrigerator.  Write extensive grocery list with the hope that you can
feed children, shower, get kids ready, and nurse baby in the next hour so that
you can get to the store before lunch yet with enough time to get all the items
you need and get home in time for regular scheduled nap time.

 

9:14 A.M. Feed kids.  Oldest child refuses to
eat.  Middle child agrees to eat the oatmeal you have lovingly prepared
then throws it at the windows while you aren’t looking.

 

9:35 A.M. Rinse off kids and dress them in clean
clothes. 

 

9:39 A.M. Inform kids you are taking a shower and that they
are not to touch the baby.  Lay baby in vibrating bouncer chair and place
on bathroom floor as you shower.  Start shower and talk goo-goo to baby
as you scrub hair and shave armpits. 

 

9:41 A.M.  Look out of shower stall and realize kids
are drawing on babies’ face with markers.

 

9:42-9:56 A.M. Random chaos consisting of wet, naked mommy
chasing children out of bathroom and looking for child safe soap strong
enough to remove marker that just may be in the kitchen where the blinds
are up and you cross your fingers and hope no one is looking in
windows all while randomly singing nursery rhymes to baby in an
attempt to calm her (you) down.

 

10:32 A.M. Try to nurse baby before leaving so she won’t be
hungry at grocery store.  It is essential that she has a full stomach or
she will be cranky.  She senses the urgency of your attempt and instead of
eating, plays with your boob and giggles as if to mock you.

 

10:49 A.M. Get kids buckled into car.  Turn on portable
DVD player to Veggie Tales, as they are forced to watch family friendly
programming when strapped into place.

 

10:50 Run into house and get money.  Realize that kids
are safe and secure in car.  Consider sitting there for a moment to savor
the peace.  No can do because pesky neighbor JoAnn McNosypants
will be watching out her window and decide not to risk the run in with childrens social services.

 

11:22 A.M. Arrive at grocery store.  Baby is
asleep.  So is middle child.  This is not good as now child has
gotten the dreaded “half” nap.  Wake up middle child and put all kids into
giant 10 foot long rocket ship shopping cart and start shopping.  Look for
grocery list and realize it is still on kitchen counter.

 

11:40 A.M. Baby wakes up.  And starts crying. 
Other kids start shouting, “Mom, the babies crying!”  Make a detour into diaper aisle and “borrow” plastic noisy toy for baby to look at.

 

11:46 A.M. Try to remember list.  Apples, oranges,
chicken, carrots, potatoes, bread and milk.  Middle child now has plastic
noisy toy and is banging it against his brothers head repeatedly.  Baby screams as
she realizes she no longer has toy.

 

11:58 A.M. Find yourself in snack aisle.  Get cookies,
crackers, and more cookies.   Head for checkout line.

 

12:17 P.M. Pull into Burger King parking lot and get kids
lunch.  Order extra burger just in case one of the kids is really
hungry.  Eat extra burger before you exit drive thru.

 

12:18 P.M. Realize you forgot milk and call hubby to pick
some up on his way home from work.  He sees you are calling from cell
phone and asks why you can’t do it.  You yell at him that he has no idea
how hard it is and hang up.  Call hubby back.  Beg for forgiveness
and start crying. 

 

12:30 P.M. Look in your rear view mirror and see that oldest
child has stolen a candy bar from grocery store. 

 

12:48 P.M. Return to grocery store, tell the lady behind the
counter that it was accidentally taken by him (you point to your child) and apologize
for stealing.  Customer service lady says she needs to get her manager and
see what their procedure is for theft.  She glares at your child, then
goes off to find the manager. 

 

1:14 P.M. After getting a stern lecture on honesty and
teaching your children the difference between right and wrong from a 22 year
old college kid you finally get kids in car to head home. 

  

1:25 P.M. Decide to stop at convenience store right by your
house and get milk so hubby doesn’t have to.  Baby, who was sleeping,
starts crying because you woke her up.  Once inside, you run into your
neighbor who always calls you Kathy who wants to hold baby.  Baby keeps
crying and she tells you that mothers who let their babies ‘cry it out’ just
really don’t love their babies. 

 

1:27 P.M. Try to purchase your milk while one child is
pulling on your leg asking for chips and the other is trying to ignite the
colorful lighters on the counter as the cashier makes a joke about babies being
on sale today.

 

1:41 P.M. Drive home.  Put kids into bed and turn on
PBS.  Turn off light.  Leave room.

 

1:45 P.M. Nurse baby to sleep.  Baby is ravenous, as
she hasn’t eaten for 6 hours. 

 

3:54 P.M. Finish nursing baby.  Realize you have fallen
asleep.  Put baby in crib, check on other kids who are napping sweetly in
their room.  Run around house picking up so hubby thinks you actually do
housework during the day.  Clean oatmeal off the windows.

 

4:59 P.M. Hubby comes home and asks what’s for dinner. 
Start making package of Hamburger Helper and push empty box to bottom of
garbage can.  Put some veggies from a can and a banana on the table and
call everyone to dinner.

 

5:05 P.M. Family prays and starts eating. 
Kids ask for milk.  Realize you left it in the car. 

*Some of you faithful readers may recognize this, as I originally posted it in May of 2009.  One sweet commenter recently reminded me of it and I thought, hey, why not post it again?  Its not like life has changed all that much since then!

Today Is A Good Day

This morning, my kids slept in until 8:00 am.  All three of them.  The baby even slept until 9:30.

 

My in laws came over and played with the kids and loved on them and gave me a moment to catch up on a project that I have to have done for tomorrow that I would have never been able to accomplish without them.

 

I ate an organic hotdog for lunch, 3 bites of cottage chesse, and then, this is the best part…. I was full.

 

I sneezed three times, in a row, and did not pee a little.

Yup.  Today was a good day.

How I Wish

I wish someone had whispered in my ear…

… that afternoon in August when we were all sitting outside, and as the sun set behind the trees, a faint wind stirred, causing me to rub my arm and get a chill as I lounged in the shade.

I wish someone had said, "THIS IS YOUR FALL.  ENJOY IT NOW."


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… that afternoon when I opened the garage door and walked out.  I wish I had heard a whisper before I almost dropped my baby out of fright. I wish I had heard a warning before I started having frantic irrational thoughts about death.

I wish my dear hubby had said, "Honey?  I hung up my waders.  No need to be alarmed when you go in the garage."

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… that morning after I scarfed down my healthy breakfast of 2 bananas and then dared to step on the scale.

I wish someone had whispered, "It doesn't matter what you eat, you are still going to gain 3 pounds.  You should have gone for the pancakes and sausage."

What about you?  Is there anything you wish someone would have whispered to you?

Women of The World, You Owe Me Bigtime

I gotta tell ya, I am a little disappointed in the female gender today.

I had thought as women, we told each other stuff.  We prepared each other…. we warned each other of the inevitable. 

Apparently, that is not the case.

Last night I stood in front of my mirror and just looked at myself.  I don't normally do that.  But something was…. off.

I looked at my eyes, my nose, my skin… was there a new freckle?  A new wrinkle?  No….

As my eyes wandered up they rested on my hairline.  Was it receding?  Really?  I am only 32! 

But no, that wasn't it either.

I looked a bit closer.

And my jaw dropped.

No one warned me.

Not ONE SINGLE person in my life ever thought to mention this might happen.

I have a gray hair.

And not just any old gray hair…a bright white 'grey' hair.

I am not prepared for this.  Tears welled up in my eyes as I realized that I am getting old… only to dry up immediately as my shock was replaced with denial.

Surely that was a rogue hair and a fluke of some sort and I am not really going gray at 32.  Surely that does not happen to women.  I have a 8 month old.  I can't possibly be turning into an old blue haired ninny.

I wanted to call up someone and cry and complain and hear those familiar words, "Oh honey, that happened to me too!  It'll be just fine!"

But I don't know anyone that happened too. 

Well.

That I know of.  If you know what I mean.

So here I was, standing in my bathroom, holding a 'bright white' gray hair, realizing that life was all downhill from here, and that according to my body, I was officially old.

I made a mental checklist of the lifestyle changes that would be taking place. 

1.  People would start asking me how old my 'grandkids' were.

2.  When out with my hubby, other women would mentally classify me as a cougar.

3. Men would rush to help me cross the street.

4.  My dinners at restaurants would now have a 'discount'.

5. If ever out with my mom (not gray BTW) people would think we were sisters.

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I brought the lone hair that forever changed my outlook on life into the bedroom and showed my husband.  I held it up and asked him very calmly,

"Do you know what this is?"

He looked at my hand and said, "No."

"Its a gray hair.  I am old.  And dried up and pruney."

This was it!  The day I realized that I couldn't ever wear mini skirts again,  that my personalized license plate wasn't cool, that I admitted that I didn't recognize one single song on MTV, that Zima is not a hip drink, and that I would never again be considered pretty by my husband!

  

   

"Well, I still think your hot."

Praise God  there was never a more important time for my husband to have the exactly right words to say to me!  And he so came though.

Goodbye carefree days of no maintenance hair and hello Nice n' Easy.

Heres what I just have to know…is this like a big secret?  Do women just not talk about it?  Am I going to be visited in the night by the National Association of Women's police force?