Precious Little One,
I am sitting here amazed by the extreme roller coaster of emotions that I have experienced with you already.
When I found out you were there… growing so steadily… I was overcome with joy and hope. Another blessing for our family! Another chance to watch a brand new personality develop. Another chance to love someone with all my heart.
However, I was quickly overcome with frustration as I became so sick that functioning as a mom of three was no longer possible. I was always sick, always fatigued, always nauseous, always achy. Something had to be wrong… being pregnant had never hurt this bad before!
And then, I was told I might lose you. I felt like it was all making sense… now I knew why this pregnancy had been so much more difficult then the rest.
A life style change was going to be necessary if we wanted to keep you (full bed rest for the next 7 months)… we were going to need lots of help and lots of faith to get through this.
Thankfully we had both.
However, even though I trusted God with any outcome, I was unable to control the grief and fear that overcame me. Had I done something wrong? Was this chance of losing you possibly my fault? What was God teaching me through all this?
And, if we did end up losing you, how was I going to go on?
Seven short days later, it was revealed that the doctor had made a mistake. There was nothing wrong with me or you… in fact, you were absolutely perfect!
Such a tremendous weight had been lifted… I remember dropping on my knees and praying grateful, joyful, exuberant prayers to God!
That day, I hit week thirteen of my pregnancy, and the horrendous illness of my first trimester lessened considerably. I was able to stand up and cook and hug my kids whenever I wanted to! (Much to their dismay, hugs in the middle of Curious George are not always appreciated!)
I laid in bed nights and prayed for you… longed to hold you… cried tears of joy that I would be lucky enough to meet you.
And with this latest trip to Disney World, where we have been walking around the beautiful theme parks all day long and spending lots of time in the sun… I have really gotten to know you! You love to tumble and kick and move around as often as possible!
Even though you are my fourth child, I have never experienced activity like this in pregnancy… and its absolutely wonderful!
But.
As much as I love you and long for you, I am still struggling with fear sweet one. Will I be able to take care of four kids?
How can I possibly adequately love all of you the way you need?
Will I be able to handle it?
I am so thankful for Gods perfect timing in this.. I know I have just the right amount of time I need to deal with any fear that might arise.
And even though I didn't think it possible, to feel my love for you grow with passing every single moment.
I cant wait to meet you little one!
Love,
Your Mama
*crying*
You are a Godly woman. An awesome mom already. You will be able to take care of 4 children. I know you can. I am a mom of 4 and love every minute of it. Just keep relying on God and teaching your children about Him and He will guide you through your life. Blessings to you my dear friend!
God picked you to be this baby’s Mom. He knows what he’s doing and will give you the grace when you need it. By reminding you of God’s plan and grace I am talking (reminding) myself too. Two of my four are “launched” and I’ve been having feelings of “Did I do the right things to parent each individual child? They are so different” All we can do is keep praying.
Amanda,
This is the sweetest post ever. I think all mama’s-to-be wonder how they can ever love another child (whether it be their second, fourth, or eighth) as much as their first one. Isn’t our God awesome in that He gives us that amazing Mama-love that gets equally spread around? God is so good. Praying for you Friend. Glad you managed to fit in Disney & other fun things along the way. Saw your twitter-post about how much you miss baking while you are traveling. I miss your baking & how you share all your goodies with us too! Praying for your safe re-entry into a Winter Wonderland. =)
I look over at my sweet Talon (my youngest) and think of how deeply I love him…how much joy he brings me. But I didn’t always feel this way about him. When I found out he was coming (while in a Toys R Us bathroom, which is where I decided to test because I “had to go” and had been feeling nauseous), I looked up towards God and silently screamed (cause…you know…it was a public bathroom), “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!” I didn’t think I could do this again. 11 months between my oldest and my second, 16 months from second to third, and 13 months from third to fourth. No way…no way could I put my body through ANOTHER pregnancy so soon. I was certain there was no way I could nurse another baby with three toddlers running around, no way I could go through it all over again.
But God was not mistaken. And so, when I walked out of that bathroom and my husband saw my face and jumped for joy (psycho…course…it WOULD be easy for him, he wasn’t doing his fourth pregnancy in three years), I knew that it would be scary, and hard…but that it would be ok.
And it is scary, and hard…and wonderful. I couldn’t imagine life without our sweet Tally-Tal. He totally completes us.
And your fourth sweet child will soon be in your arms and you’ll wonder how you ever lived without him/her.
Blessings, sweet friend!
–Crystal
Thank you for sharing this Crystal… I am all teary now! (and feeling so blessed for an honest and caring friend!)
Such a sweet post
You will manage my dear. Times might be tough and frustrating sometimes, but you’ll get through it and the kids will love you, thats all that matters. 
i am so incredibly happy for you that everything is going well. enjoy your pregnancy!
Amanda
What a beautiful letter to your sweet baby. I have some of the same fears…being a mom of 4 almost seems overwhelming at times and with a 19mo old as the closest age it is scaring me a bit. But I think I know your heart and although it won’t always be perfect or easy – your focus is being a Godly mom and woman and He will guide your path!!
Blessings friend!
Kristin
You’ll do just fine, sweetie! The Lord, in His omnipotent goodness and love, created you to be just what your babies need. In all of your ups and downs, your family will love together through them, all under His watchful eye and in His ever-capable hands.
God is good, all the time!
Beautiful. Abby onequirkysister.blogspot.com
I look forward to you sharing this with your child in later years
Hugs to you ALL!
A beautiful post, thank you. My second will be born tomorrow after a very up and down pregnancy. Thank you for your words
This makes me wish we could be neighbors! You’re such a sweet mama! I’m just a step behind you…so stinkin’ sick still! Can’t wait for the tumbles and kicks! I share the same exact fears, but know God truly supplies our every need. Love ya!
Oh, how I can relate. I felt the same way with Breeley. I remember driving home from an appointment, calling my sister and saying “I think I’m pregnant and if I am she’s due on Mom’s birthday.” (I hadn’t taken the test yet.) It was the week of her funeral. I was awash in grief, joy and completely overwhelmed at the thought of another child. And a grandchild that would never know the incredible woman her grandmother was.
I’ve heard it said that God will not give us more than we can handle, but I like and find more true the statement that God purposely gives us more than we can handle so that we can fall at the feet of his mercy and grace. I’ve experienced that over and over again.
You are exactly the perfect and flawed mother your babies need. As much as you shape them they shape you. And with God’s help He is glorified by both our failures and our triumphs.
I have a whole epistle going on in my head right now…can you tell? The One who chose to bless you will sustain you. He’s even answered my prayers many a time for a parking spot right next to the cart corral so that I could dump the kids from the van straight into the cart and not have to lug them across the parking lot!
P.S. I cannot wait to “meet” your newest babe.
Oh, I was so with you.
You CAN do it!
Even just today I was marveling at the fact that I have 4 children and I love them each and all so desperately. Well, desperately is not the right word but more than abundantly. you are a great mama! And it will amaze you how much better of a mama you will be when you are one of 4!
You are great!
I love your transparency!
There is nothing more amazing than a mother’s love. I believe it truly conquers all
Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy!
Amanda, you darling! I kept thinking of asking you to give us updates on this baby I prayed so much for those few intense days! When are you due??
About your fears about being a mom to 4, I just cannot realte to that because over here, I’m stressing out just thinking of what I would do when we have our 2nd baby!!!I am an only child and so I am a 100% percent sure I want more kids. But its scary. I guess the only reassurance I have is that its God who creates the baby and he sure knows how to give the mother enough grace and wisdom to face each day!
love you!
what a precious post! can’t wait to see this sweet, sweet baby! enjoy those kicks! that is something i miss so much.
What an amazing letter for your son or daughter to read someday.
God will provide, and you will in turn be able to provide all the love, care, and nuturing needed for all four of your children. Even though I only know you through cyber-space, I know you as a sweet, strong, christ-centered woman who will continue to be blessed beyond measure.
God’s peace & blessings to you!
Beautiful, and congratulations to you and your family. Still, even if Dr. made a mistake, take it easy and don’t over do. Relax and enjoy. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you and your family
That is beautiful! Good for you for sharing your heart. So many times we mothers don’t feel as if we can share our fears. Just because we have fears doesn’t mean we love our children any less, or that we trust God any less. We are human. But, its our choice what we do with that fear. And turning it over to God is a beautiful thing. When Jeremiah (Josiah for that matter) was in the NICU I was gripped with fear as I stood by thier beds watching for each breath. Praying there would be one. I learned a lot about fear and trust and doing hard things.
Being a mom is hard. It is tiring. But it is so rewarding. And while a new little one will turn your life upside down for awhile, everyone will adjust and a new “normal” will be found. One full of love, fun, giggles, and snuggles. It will be amazing! God is good!
So very sweet.
Oh! This is another nice post from you. I am actually reading blogs with my kids not sleeping because they are going to make me yell or do something I will regret. Their behavior is…nightmarish. So I am tuning them out…taking a deep breath…and trying to relax so I can be a good mom again. Thank you for this perspective post and I am so glad you are doing better. Now I must go pick up the pieces. And hug them. Whew.
So glad you and yours are well.
just beautiful….you will be fantastic, don’t fret.
Your post brought tears to my eyes. I remember the night before my second c-section. I was laying in my 5 year old son’s bed as he slept holding his little hand and sobbing. Thinking it wasnt fair at all to bring another child to this family because I could never ever love anyone as much as I loved him. But the moment, the very second that little screaming 9lb girl arrived, God filled me with more love than I had ever known. I was amazed at how instant that love was, and yet how different it was from my son. Not in a way that is unequal, just different. Today, I think of the 6 short months until that little boy graduates high school and then leaves us for college. Cherish every single second with those babies, it is over in the blink of an eye.
Thank you for sharing this post with us. I just wrote a letter to my unborn baby that we lost yesterday through miscarriage and it was so nice to read this. God’s timing is certainly more perfect than ours, and I have no doubt you will be a fantastic mother of 4!
Oh my goodness, I couldn’t even begin to imagine what you went through. It was refreshing to hear that the both of you are well. Peace and Blessings to your family this next year!
Wow que bebé tan afortunado de tener una madre que lo ame tanto!!
Bendiciones para ti, este nuevo bebé y el resto de la afortunada familia.
Besos