Precious Little One,
I am sitting here amazed by the extreme roller coaster of emotions that I have experienced with you already.
When I found out you were there… growing so steadily… I was overcome with joy and hope. Another blessing for our family! Another chance to watch a brand new personality develop. Another chance to love someone with all my heart.
However, I was quickly overcome with frustration as I became so sick that functioning as a mom of three was no longer possible. I was always sick, always fatigued, always nauseous, always achy. Something had to be wrong… being pregnant had never hurt this bad before!
And then, I was told I might lose you. I felt like it was all making sense… now I knew why this pregnancy had been so much more difficult then the rest.
A life style change was going to be necessary if we wanted to keep you (full bed rest for the next 7 months)… we were going to need lots of help and lots of faith to get through this.
Thankfully we had both.
However, even though I trusted God with any outcome, I was unable to control the grief and fear that overcame me. Had I done something wrong? Was this chance of losing you possibly my fault? What was God teaching me through all this?
And, if we did end up losing you, how was I going to go on?
Seven short days later, it was revealed that the doctor had made a mistake. There was nothing wrong with me or you… in fact, you were absolutely perfect!
Such a tremendous weight had been lifted… I remember dropping on my knees and praying grateful, joyful, exuberant prayers to God!
That day, I hit week thirteen of my pregnancy, and the horrendous illness of my first trimester lessened considerably. I was able to stand up and cook and hug my kids whenever I wanted to! (Much to their dismay, hugs in the middle of Curious George are not always appreciated!)
I laid in bed nights and prayed for you… longed to hold you… cried tears of joy that I would be lucky enough to meet you.
And with this latest trip to Disney World, where we have been walking around the beautiful theme parks all day long and spending lots of time in the sun… I have really gotten to know you! You love to tumble and kick and move around as often as possible!
Even though you are my fourth child, I have never experienced activity like this in pregnancy… and its absolutely wonderful!
As much as I love you and long for you, I am still struggling with fear sweet one. Will I be able to take care of four kids?
How can I possibly adequately love all of you the way you need?
Will I be able to handle it?
I am so thankful for Gods perfect timing in this.. I know I have just the right amount of time I need to deal with any fear that might arise.
And even though I didn't think it possible, to feel my love for you grow with passing every single moment.
I cant wait to meet you little one!