I have to say… mine has been off.
I have been feeling sorry for myself.
I have been unfocused.
I have been disengaged.
When I posted on my blog about the news the doctor gave me, I was in such a sad place. Feeling alone and hopeless and just beaten up.
But something changed in me.
I felt defeated because I lost sight of the big picture.
One specific Bible verse has played over and over in my head:
Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.
God has allowed this trial in my life because there is much work that needs to be done in me. I am fairly certain that I need to regain my eternal perspective… that God is in control. That I CAN trust in Him, and that I can sing his praises even when it seems that life is hard and dark and lonely.
I heard the song "All My Praise" by Selah and one line really struck me.
"Even in the shadow of death I will praise you…"
Before I had sung that and liked it, but it never resonated in me.
With this latest pregnancy scare and the uncertainty of my baby's future… I can truly say that I felt like I was in the shadow of death.
I felt like I had no control over my families future. I felt like I had done something wrong.
I was right.
I dont have control of the future, and by not living fully in my faith, I had done something wrong. I did not place my trust in God.
Thank goodness for this renewed sense of faith and desire to obey… and for the constant prayer and support. So many wonderful people have offered Scripture and verses that were meaningful to them. It now holds a special meaning for me as well.
No matter the outcome of this season in our lives, I am trusting God. I am hopeful again for the future, and I am grateful for support and prayers.
I decided to embrace every single day of this pregnancy… to appreciate every single moment I have been given, and to pour out my love on this child and my family.
One thing that (prior to the cervical news) I was embarrassed about was how much I am showing already. I am no skinny minny by any means, but I was busting out of my regular jeans by 10 weeks.
Its just not normal!
So I had planned on not showing any pictures until it was more socially acceptable to look like I was six months pregnant.
Like, maybe when I was six month pregnant.
But enough of that!
This precious little life that has captivated our whole family is going to be celebrated in any way I can!
Isnt is crazy? I have never shown like this with any of my other kids. I guess this sweet baby is just making his own path right from the get go!
In other awesome news…
Chad is home now… we are spending the day laughing and playing and cooking with the kids and its been wonderful!
Life is good.
No matter what, this life is good.