I am thoroughly fed up. Its just too much.
I drove home from my great-grandma’s funeral yesterday. Five hours in the car, with the radio set on “scan” for most of the trip because my mind wondered so much I would forget to pick a station.
I woke up this morning to my husband saying the words, “Grandma Irene died.”
And my first thought was disbelief, but the anger soon followed.
I cant keep up. On one hand I have been in a constant state of grief for the last three months, on the other hand desperately trying to remember to praise and glorify God no matter the circumstances.
I have been completely uncomfortable in my skin, unsure of how to deal with excruciating loss while attempting to celebrate the new life growing within me.
Trying to comfort those whose loss seems more acute than mine, yet totally unable to deal with my own.
When Chad’s father suddenly passed three months ago, we were unprepared. We were all shocked. We all have this gaping whole where this vibrant life once was.
When his grandma Carole passed I was shocked to learn more about her in her death than I took the time to learn while she was alive. And the shame of that realization changed me. Or, at least it was supposed to.
When my Great Grandma Inga passed I didn’t let myself cry. It was really just too much. We had planned it. Made peace with it. Knew it was coming. When it happened I wasn’t prepared. I wasn’t at peace. And what I knew is that it just hurt.
A mere hours after getting home from her funeral, Chad slowly shared about Grandma Irene passing. I didnt take the time to go to her. I didnt bring the kids to visit her. There was so much I could have done to be there for her.
I just dont know how to process the grief anymore. Its heartbreaking to think about what the people that were closest to them are enduring. I want to take away their pain, but dont know how. Helpless and sad. Sad and helpless.
This crazy cycle of loss has had death on my mind for months now. I teeter between the selfish thoughts of mourning lost relationships and the thoughts of “What does this mean now? What do we do now?”
I cry out to God and try to rely on my faith, then beat myself up when my trust wavers. It says in the Bible:
Philippians 4:4-6
4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Did you see that? Rejoice in the Lord always… in every situation..
Why cant I do that? Why cant I seem to give Him my grief and pain and hopelessness… when that is exactly what He tells me to do? There is much to rejoice for. God has called his precious children home.
I am just tired. So tired.
I know these feelings cant stay there, and I know joy and new life and love and peace are within my grasp, if I would but reach for Him.
Thinking of you and praying for your whole family, Amanda, in this tough time. I am reminded of a sermon from my pastor in the last few months where he was talking about how God is always with us, regardless of what is going in around us… And that is something to rejoice in, despite not understanding why. I just pray that you can find some hope and peace in all of it.
Hang in there. Sending prayers. xox
Amanda dear,
Know that you and your whole family are lifted up in prayer at this very moment. My heart aches for you and what you are going through. Thank you so very much for sharing this, as I’m sure others have felt this way and need to hear they are not alone. You are very brave for writing about your feelings my dear; very brave indeed! I’m not sure if it’s ‘your thing’ or not.. but there are grief support groups in our area. I don’t have any numbers for you at my fingertips, but looking into that may just help you get through this difficult time? I’m so happy and rejoice in the fact that you know God has the answers you seek.. and you know what? He’s not within your reach.. He is right there with you!! You are in the palm of His hand and His arms forever enfold you during all times, joy and trial.
Please let me know if you need anything! Even though we don’t know each other outside of the internet.. I’m only a hop, skip, and a jump away
With Love and Peace to you and your family now and throughout the Advent and Christmas season – Jess
I am without words, but love you & I’m praying. ~Sally
I have a friend whose year was just like this and it it horrible to watch. Let your emotions out or it can eat you up inside. All will be well, God is always near and listening.
Amanda,
Thank you for being so real and not saying, ‘It’s all good because God is good.”
You know the truth and even in your pain, you find comfort. Comfort doesn’t mean the pain is going away, just that something is bigger than your pain.
I’m so sorry that you are hurting. You’ve had to process a lot. You are still an inspiration to your kids. And you crying out for more “faith” happened in the Bible, too when the centurion (I think) said, “Help me with my unbelief.”
Thank you so much for being so real.
I am not religious, but am I sending you every ounce of positivity, courage and strength that I have. I hope it lifts you up, if even just a little bit. XO
Girl, you are going through SO much. By COMMITTING to do that and speak His word and trust Him, you ARE worshipping Him. Actions first and then feelings follow — we go through the motions to voice our dedication even when we’re dragging broken hearts behind. Thank you for your witness even in this hard time. Praying for your family!
Amanda don’t beat yourself up about being frustrated , we are human and it is our nature to have doubts especially at trying times , even Jesus had doubts and prayed to his father for answers. It is such an emotional rollercoaster when loved ones pass away and we just have to ride through the ups and downs even when we want to get off during the ride… just remember it does get better and the hurt slowly goes away as memories of the good times start to flood your mind. You can look at the past and smile. You learn lessons that you can bring forth to the present and future. XOXO
I have so much anger, too, from things in my recent past that I’ll think I’ve let go of until they come back and cause seemingly fresh grief all over again. And I wonder if I’ll ever be able to let it go. And the answer is no. Of course not. I’m so weak and as consistent in my faith as the tides. But God is so much bigger than my problems or my grief and Christ is so much more loving than I could bear to be in my circumstances or any circumstances. So He will have to let it go for me and give me my joy, and not just joy, but so much joy as to be completely miraculous so that no matter what is going on, I not only show that joy but absolutely GLOW from the inside out. And because I’m His, He is willing to give me this gift of joy despite every ounce of imperfection and turning away from Him I manage each and every day on a ridiculous scale. All I have to do at any moment is look to Him.
After weeks of looking to the world instead of my God, I’ve been back in my bible again the past couple of days and only this morning read about joy in 1 Samuel 1:19-2:2 when Hannah was handing over her precious son and rejoicing in the Lord. I don’t believe I could have done that if I were her, and I actually don’t even believe that even she could have. But God did that through her and for her, and that must have been incredible to feel that kind of heart of love for God and joy at that moment.
So I apologize for rambling on, but I’ll be praying joy and blessings for you and your family, and that we’ll all feel God’s amazing in what we’ve been given and despite what we’ve lost.
Thank you for sharing this Maria… I really appreciate it. And you!
I don’t know the right words to say Amanda, except that I’m so incredibly sorry for all that you and your family have been going through and I’ll continue to pray for you guys.
Thank you Kathy!
I am so sorry friend. I have been there..not with deaths in a family…but last year at this time our world was turned upside down when both my husband and I lost our jobs. Our lives, our circumstances seemed hopeless. My husband handled it much better than I did. I didn’t want to live, I was so angry at God for “letting” this happen to us. And while I had heard, and even told others at times to praise God in all circumstances I was unable to do it myself. Slowly though I was able to work through the feelings I was having and now a year later can see so many miracles that have happened since then. We HAD to lose our jobs to be where we are today….and while it can’t compare to losing a loved one….my prayer will be that over the next few months you too will be able to see some little miracles through this and that you will feel God’s presence in a real way!! Hugs and here if you need anything!!
Kristin
You are so wise to look back and see Him with you every step of the way… thank you for sharing this Kristin! I just love that you are praising Him throughout every circumstance.
Oh friend – you are having my 2011, and I’m sorry. It feels like it is just way too much, I know.
My heart aches for you. I’m so sorry.
my dear friend,
so sorry to hear about yet another loss. praying for you.
may the LORD bear your broken heart and take that heavy spirit of loss and disappointment.
The Eternal God is our dwelling place, and underneath are the Everlasting Arms. May He Carry you… He will do it… He is not afraid of all our emotions. Jesus wept-i think it may have been bitterly, when His dear friend, Lazurus died… cast it all on Him…He has been “in the flesh” as we are… there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ… praying He will love you and sustain you…
thinking of you, praying God’s perfect peace and strength,
sorry :* ( for your tremendous losses
lifting you all up to the LORD in prayer,
kathy
Oh Amanda my heart breaks reading your post. I pray that the Lord brings you peace and understanding. So often we forget that the same wonderful Savior that gives us life also takes that life from this world and brings it to a peaceful place filled with eternal happiness that will continue all the days of time. My thoughts and prayers are with you during this difficult time Amanda.
My heart aches with yours. There is no “right” way to grieve and mourn your loss. It will take time for you to move through the process and grow. Its okay to be sad, angry, cry, and cry out to God. Its okay to not to know what you “should” do or how to move forward. The important thing is that you don’t shut off your feelings. Its okay to be working through praising and thankfulness and how to do it even as your heart is breaking. He’s not expecting perfect, Jesus gave that for us. DO it as God designed YOU to do. Moment by moment, day by day. You’ll move forward and grow. I’ve felt those heart aches, I’ve cried those trears and tried not to cry them too. He held me through the moments I felt selfish for not wanting Him to call my loved one home, when I was angry at Him because I thought I needed more time with them, angry at my self for not taking the time I had… He held me while my heart broke for all the things that person ment and I only hold memories of. He held me as I learned a new normal, as I learned to live my life with only memories of that person, and as I continue to move forward today. Still once in a while my heart remembers with sadness instead of with joy. He is holding you too. Praying for His peace to wrap tightly around you.
I don’t know you but I read your blog. I have a firm faith in God and Christ and the strength of the atonement to heal our pain. My sister was just diagnosed with cancer this week, she is my best friend, to say I was angry at the world would be an understatement. Being hurt and having regrets are two of the hardest things to cope with. Before the cancer my sister went to the group Recovery Inernational for depression, they have groups all over the country and address recovering emotionally in all situations. I believe in life after death, that God wants us to be happy eternally and part of that is being with our loved ones after we die, here are two videos that might bring a little sunshine to your life, https://www.lds.org/pages/mormon-messages?lang=eng#eternal-truth, and https://www.lds.org/pages/mormon-messages?lang=eng#forgiveness-my-burden-was-made-light May God bless you with peace, comfort and strength.
Rejoice – a word of “command” if you will…..but keep reading – vs 7 gives you the promise – And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
My prayers are with you in your loss.
Great advice… I will keep reading!
Amanda, I can’t imagine going through what you’ve faced this year. Your grief and frustration seem very reasonable.
Yet, even in the midst of them I pray you will surrender yourself to God’s loving care for you. He knows how you’re feeling, your questions, your grief, your anger. May you find yourself able to pour out your heart to Him and allow Him to begin putting the pieces back together.
Praying for you, friend.
Thank you so much for your prayers Karen!
from what I’ve learned when I’ve hit bottom of the bottom of the bottom?
that tomorrow will be a tad better, which means the next day will be a tad+ better
so with time, it does get better
what helps?
go to the movies and see something shiny, funny, happy, etc…
take a break from the internet
work out with weights
<3
I can do shiny, happy, funny.
Thanks girl.
Thinking of you with all the prayers, goodness, and empathy I can muster.
Wow, what a time you have had. Don’t be so hard on yourself, Amanda. The Lord knows you and loves you. I know sometimes it’s hard to figure out just how to cast your burdens on Him, but when we merely reach out, He will come the rest of the way. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
Thank you dear Sue!
So sorry to hear you are experiencing the loss of your grandmother right after the loss of your great grandmother. It’s completely natural to question why and to feel unsettled, but when life brings you to your knees, try to remember the Psalm “Be still and know that I am God”. Everything occurs according to His plan, even the way you feel right now. Don’t be critical of yourself. Instead, focus on the days ahead and the upcoming new addition to your family. It’s also important to get plenty of rest, and let the simple joys in life comfort you. This is what our loved ones want.
May they both rest in peace, and may perpetual light shine upon them.
Thank you Margee!
Thinking of you and praying for you and your family. Unfortunately I can relate all too well… though I don’t have new life growing inside of me. My mom died in an accident while backpacking in Nepal this weekend… so sudden and unexpected…
Prayers for you… Kari
So very sorry about your loss Kari… my heart just aches for you.
It’s not what you believe in but what is in your heart that is important. You obviously love all those you have lost. As long as you continue to feel, in anyway, you carry them in your heart wherever you go. In time you will be able to rejoice in that.
Amanda, what an amazing spirit you are. Finding scriptures and turning to God even with your frustrations and deep loss. You are an excellent testimony and witness for Christ. Your honesty and love is what your readers need. I thank God for you because life is hard and sometimes our personal hurricanes that seem like the eye of the storm has hovered way to long just over us is the perfect time for God to show us his strength in our weakness and some how he always is able to move the storm and finally let the light back in and I just pray for you and your family that God would shine his light on you all and give you his peace and just know as he promised he is with you through this long storm. We here in blog land love you and are grieving with you, so sorry for your loss. Stephanie
Thank you so much Stephanie.
Dear Amanda,
I pray for understanding and peace for you during this incredibly difficult time. Know that you are loved and supported through it all.
Blesssings. xox
Thank you Aimee!
Ugh. What a load you are bearing. Please try to unload some of that weight on your heavenly father. He wants you to, even if it’s all hard to understand. Faith and trust. Much love and prayers for you and your family. xo
Oh Amanda, my sincere condolences on the loss of your grandmother. I understand how overwhelmed you are feeling and if I could, I would come over and hug you and just sit with you. I know that you know that God truly does not give us anymore than we can bear and when we feel we can’t bear it, he is there to helps us find a way through it.
Though we feel we need to, we don’t have to understand why sadness and tragedy happen. We just need to know that sometimes we have to sit on the back of the bike and let God do all the peddling.
As hard as it is for us to say a final farewell to a loved one, really believing that they are in a better place (as much as a cliche as that sounds) it is true. They are at peace and their spirits do live on within us.
Go about your day, taking care of yourself and your family. Loving and letting yourself be loved. Your loved ones who have gone on know that they left this world full of your love, no matter when you told them or saw them last. They are at peace with their circumstances and want you to be as well. Keep their memories close to your heart and you will get through all that has come and is yet to come.
Praying for you! You are a wonderful person and God will work these situations for your good!!
Blessings!!
I am so sorry you are going through this difficult time. I have been reminding myself of that very same verse this week. Thank you for sharing it here.
So sorry to hear of the long difficult journey you are going through right now. Praying that even through all this, God will grant you and yours peace and comfort in a way only He can. I find the Psalms are my words of comfort at such times. I draw strength from knowing that even David, described by God as a man after His own heart, knew grief to the point of such pain and frustration he could only throw it all up to God. Praying that you will pass through the valley of the shadow of death soon. God bless you x
Amanda,
I’m so sorry for your losses. Sometimes when life seems overwhelming I think about the “Footprint” poem. And don’t forget that you can bring all your feelings to our Father – sadness, grief, anger, anything. He can handle and wants us to cast our cares on him. You’ll be in my prayers!
Amanda, my sweet friend and sister in Christ. The Lord gives us a time to grieve and that’s where you’re at. I always think of Jacob as he grieved for what he believed was the death of Joseph. Tonight I write this as I have been told my 20 year old cousin has died, a cousin that I can only truly remember meeting twice in my life, once as a baby and again when he was a toddler. He’d been in trouble quite a few times as a teen and decided to move in with his sister, who lives in Colorado to get away from his friends who he continued to get into trouble with/for. A friend of mine had been his councilor and she told me that he had such a big heart and would often take the blame for his friends. I learned more about this young man who I share blood with from someone who I’ve known for years, but have no relation with. It makes me sad, yet the Lord places us at different places for different reasons.
Your emotions in my opinion have been through the ringer. You’ve dealt with great loss over the last 3 months and have dealt with a new life growing inside of you and all the emotions that, a pregnancy brings on.
Be gentle with yourself my friend. We can rejoice in our grief in a way that we love Him, we worship Him, we serve Him. He knows if you trust Him and if you praise Him through the storms of your life. To me rejoicing doesn’t always mean jumping up and day and saying “God you’re good”, I think it can also be dropping to our knee’s and letting the tears flow and simply whispering “God, I still trust you”.
Love you
Love you too.
Thank you, and so sorry about your cousin.
Hi Amanda,
I’m a long-time reader but first-time commenter. I remembered reading this post in my feed last week and just wanted to extend my sympathy for everything your family is going through. Unfortunately, I know a little of what you’re experiencing.
My husband’s second-oldest brother died suddenly toward the end of October. He was 33. It was a shock and life became more difficult in every way imaginable. Then, last week, my husband’s oldest brother took his life. So we are once again trying to cope with the loss of a beloved brother, once again trying so very hard not to question “why” or “why us,” and my husband is trying for the first time to take on the role of oldest son in his family. Just like that, he went from being the fourth of seven children to being the second of five.
My mom’s mother’s health took a turn for the worse last week as well, so we took a day off from mourning with my husband’s family on Saturday and drove two and a half hours to the hospital to try and say goodbye to her, which was difficult because she was intubated and could not respond. She had a heart episode later that night and the doctors took her off the ventilator as soon as all her children were gathered around yesterday, and she slipped away with my grandfather holding her hand.
Uncannily enough, I am also pregnant and am due with our first baby, the first grandchild on my husband’s side, on January 5th.
When you say you are unsure of how to deal with excruciating loss and how to celebrate the new life inside of you at the same time, I completely understand what you mean. I find myself getting sucked into a seemingly endless vortex of pain and anguish and confusion over and over to the point that I feel I’m not giving enough credence to the little kicker inside of me whose long legs (which he gets from his dad) are currently testing the confines of my ribcage. When I should be preparing to be a mother, I’m preparing funerals.
I heard once that anyone who asks “why me” either does not believe in or does not trust God. Because God has a perfect plan, because there is a reason for everything He allows to happen, asking “why me” shows him that our faith is not sufficient… but I’m afraid in moments of weakness I have been asking “why me” quite frequently. Why, when my husband and I are preparing for our first child, trying to obey God’s commandment to multiply and replenish, would we be pummeled again and again and again with blows from which it doesn’t seem we shall ever recover? What are we supposed to learn from any of this? Why can’t we heal from one wound before we’re hit again? And yes… why me?
I’ve always heard that if everyone threw their problems into a big pile and you had the opportunity to see what it is everyone else struggles with, you’d immediately take your own problems over anyone else’s. But I told my mom yesterday that for the first time in my life, I don’t think I would. I hurt, and I hurt more watching my husband hurt. I am tired, I too can’t keep up, and I am ready for respite.
It doesn’t seem that anyone understands, but I know God does. It doesn’t seem that anyone can heal this, but I know God can. And in moments when my mind is clear, I’m grateful for being led to people whose actions, regardless of how small, regardless of how distant, and regardless of whether done by a stranger whose cooking posts I like to read, remind me that though I suffer, I never suffer alone. Who remind me that that though it seems peace is far away, we can be given it if we will just reach for God.
So thank you for your words. They’ve brought comfort. Your family are in my prayers.
Sara
Oh Sara. My heart just aches reading this. So so so very sorry for all you are enduring… the loss and anguish and questions and grief and everything just seems overwhelming. Thank you, dear Sara, for taking the time to write this and bear your heart. I am praying for you friend… praying for you husband and sweet baby. Praying for your family and lifting you up in Christ. If there is ANYTHING I can do, please do not hesitate to ask!!
Heartbreaking to read all of the loss in your family
Hopefully time will heal…
Oh, Amanda. I’m so sorry to hear about so much loss in such a short time. The pain of loss after loss after loss accumulates so quickly. And it sounds like you’ve had a some anticipatory grieving too. I wish I could give you a giant hug and hold you close and pray the Lord’s peace over you.
Dear friend, He is able. I know the feeling of him being far. I know the hurt of grieving and rejoicing. How you feel is uniquely your own. No one else can begin to understand this personal grief that you carry. Except him. He is our high priest who is able to sympathize with our every weakness. He is waiting for you to cast down this heavy burden and allow him to carry you. But the good news, is He will not leave you when you are struggling to lay it down.
Earlier this week I was going through my phone and saw your number in there. I know it wasn’t an accident God put you on my heart when your blog isn’t showing up in my feed. I know it wasn’t by chance you showed up when I saw looking for another contact I normally have no trouble finding. God knows and is pointing people towards you to lift you to him.
This is turning into a book here! I hope, trust, pray you are encouraged tonight, tomorrow and in the days to come. Love and hugs to you! Praying peace over you and those you loved and those who have lost along with you.
Thank you sweet friend. Your words brought tears to my eyes. So thankful for you!
I just found your blog (via baking cookies) and then saw your Christian and your family blog. I’m sorry for your losses. I haven’t lost anyone to death lately (thank God) but I have gone thru a tremendous separation from the man I loved and adored so much — my husband. We are now finally going thru divorce, almost 3 years later, and I’m looking forward to closure finally. I will be losing much more than my marriage. My home. My credit. And recently my job! Could it get any worse?! I am trying to stay faithful, altho I admit last fall was easier to trust in the Lord than this fall. I understand your angst. I hope you write again soon. It’s nearly Christmas and I’m hoping to hear how you are moving thru this.
Anyway, I write to let you know that I feel for you. I have no real comfort to offer you. I only share that connection to you thru grief. I also became Christian thru all this!
And my very first Bible verse that meant ANYTHING to me was the one you shared: And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds (I had to stop before His name was mentioned at first). That is such a powerful and meaningful verse. I continued to write gratitude lists, to find true joy in HIM (something I NEVER experienced before!!) and I continued to petition Him with my requests with Thanksgiving.
OK, I have to go now. I hear my oven timer beeping! Time to get those cookies out!
x o x o x o
glad I found you!
andrea
So very thankful that you were able to find not only the joy in your circumstances… but that you became a beloved, chosen, coveted child of GOD!!! What a HUGE praise. Thank you for sharing your heartache and your pain and your ultimate healing and story of growth and faith. Be blessed my friend!
Sending you love and prayers. and hugs!!!
I am so sorry for your loss. I have been experiencing pain and loss as
well (but in different ways than you). I am sorry that you are feeling
so much pain/sorrow. I have been struggling with my faith as well. I
have been struggling with “rejoicing in the Lord always” as well.
I have also been struggling with obeying or feeling the verses that
But
command us to ” be content” and to “meditate on those things which are
good, lovely, pure, noteworthy”, etc. It is so hard. I try. I force
myself sometimes–but I don’t feel it. It feels like going through the
motions in a numb, empty, zombie-like state (depression?), but at least
you and I are TRYING to obey God. Maybe not “all” the time. LOL
we eventually try to attempt it again.
Be encouraged, sister. Thank you for being so honest and transparent. I
think that is the first step in grieving–to talk about how you
feel–which you are doing. God bless you for that.
Persevere and hang in there, sister. God loves you. “The Lord is near
to those who are broken hearted, to those who are crushed in spirit.”
Psalms 34:18
“A bruised reed He will not crush.”- Matthew 12:20
Try not to beat yourself up. “He is faithful even when we are
(Not cool
Just wanted to clarify that. LOL ) 
unfaithful.” God proves this to me every time I fail to water my
garden; He ends up causing it to rain (and we only get rain a few times
a year b/c we are in a drought)! :O Isn’t that cool?!
that we are in a drought, but cool how God shows grace and has our
back. LOL
[ Sorry for writing LOL when you are sad. I worry that I might be being
insensitive. I am not trying to be. I am trying to be the lifter of
your head, to minister to you and to encourage you and to attempt to
comfort you].
God bless you.
I love you, sister! (Even though I have never met you)!
You are the apple of God’s eye.
Sincerely,
“Tamboliya”