A Week at the Gym

A WEEK AT THE GYM:  ONE MAN’S STORY…

This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular
workout routine.

Dear Diary:

For my 40th birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in
great shape since playing on my college football team 25 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 year old
aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:

I started my day at 6:00 am.
Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived
at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something

of a Greek goddess – with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a

dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!

She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill.
She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it
to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed
watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class
after my workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my
sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the
whole time she was around.

This is going to be a FA NTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out
the door.

Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar
into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a
little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda’s
rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.

I feel GREAT!! It’s a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the
toothbrush   on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over
it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as
long
as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the
club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me , insisting that my
screams bothered the other club members.

Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning
and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whines that is
VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda
put me on the stair monster.
Why the heck would anyone invent a machine to simulate an

activity rendered obsolete by elevators?
Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.

  THURSDAY:

  Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth
exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full
snarl. I couldn’t help being a half an hour late; it took me that long
to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not
looking, I ran and hid in the men’s room. She sent Lars
to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine —
which I sank.

  FRIDAY:

I hate that meanie Belinda more than any human being has
  ever hated any other human being in the history of the world.
Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there were a part
of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her
with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any
dang triceps!
And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me
the barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich!

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and
nutrition teacher. Why couldn’t it have been someone
softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her
grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just
hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner.
However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up
catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

  SUNDAY:

I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today
so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray
that next year, my wife will choose a gift for me
that is fun  –like a root canal or a vasectomy.

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lol  I think that thursday is the funniest… when he runs and hides in the mens room.  Just thinking about that makes me laugh out loud!

God bless-

Amanda