This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular
workout routine.

Dear Diary:

For my 40th birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in
great shape since playing on my college football team 25 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 year old
aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.


I started my day at 6:00 am.
Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived
at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something

of a Greek goddess – with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a

dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!

She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill.
She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it
to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed
watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class
after my workout today.

Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my
sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the
whole time she was around.

This is going to be a FA NTASTIC week!!


I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out
the door.

Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar
into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a
little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda’s
rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.

I feel GREAT!! It’s a whole new life for me.


The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the
toothbrush   on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over
it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as
as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the
club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me , insisting that my
screams bothered the other club members.

Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning
and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whines that is
VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda
put me on the stair monster.
Why the heck would anyone invent a machine to simulate an

activity rendered obsolete by elevators?
Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.


  Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth
exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full
snarl. I couldn’t help being a half an hour late; it took me that long
to tie my shoes.

Belinda took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not
looking, I ran and hid in the men’s room. She sent Lars
to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine —
which I sank.


I hate that meanie Belinda more than any human being has
  ever hated any other human being in the history of the world.
Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there were a part
of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her
with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any
dang triceps!
And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me
the barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich!

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and
nutrition teacher. Why couldn’t it have been someone
softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?


Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her
grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just
hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner.
However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up
catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.


I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today
so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray
that next year, my wife will choose a gift for me
that is fun  –like a root canal or a vasectomy.







lol  I think that thursday is the funniest… when he runs and hides in the mens room.  Just thinking about that makes me laugh out loud!

God bless-


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Meet Amanda Rettke

Amanda Rettke is the creator of I Am Baker, and the bestselling author of Surprise Inside Cakes: Amazing Cakes for Every Occasion – With a Little Something Extra Inside.Over the course of her 15+ year blogging adventure, she has been featured in and collaborated with the Food Network, New York Times, LA Times, Country Living Magazine, People Magazine, Epicurious, Brides, Romantic Homes, life:beautiful, Publishers Weekly, The Daily Mail, Star Tribune, The Globe and Mail, DailyCandy, YumSugar, The Knot, The Kitchn, and Parade, to name a few.

Reader Comments

  1. Thanks for the laugh! It’s been an intense day of grouchy kids around here today and it felt good to laugh. 🙂

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