Precious Little One,

I am sitting here amazed by the extreme roller coaster of emotions that I have experienced with you already.

When I found out you were there… growing so steadily… I was overcome with joy and hope.  Another blessing for our family!  Another chance to watch a brand new personality develop.  Another chance to love someone with all my heart.

However, I was quickly overcome with frustration as I became so sick that functioning as a mom of three was no longer possible.  I was always sick, always fatigued, always nauseous, always achy.  Something had to be wrong… being pregnant had never hurt this bad before!

And then, I was told I might lose you.  I felt like it was all making sense… now I knew why this pregnancy had been so much more difficult then the rest.

A life style change was going to be necessary if we wanted to keep you (full bed rest for the next 7 months)… we were going to need lots of help and lots of faith to get through this.

Thankfully we had both.

However, even though I trusted God with any outcome, I was unable to control the grief and fear that overcame me.  Had I done something wrong?  Was this chance of losing you possibly my fault? What was God teaching me through all this?

And, if we did end up losing you, how was I going to go on?

Seven short days later, it was revealed that the doctor had made a mistake.  There was nothing wrong with me or you… in fact, you were absolutely perfect!

Such a tremendous weight had been lifted… I remember dropping on my knees and praying grateful, joyful, exuberant prayers to God!

That day, I hit week thirteen of my pregnancy, and the horrendous illness of my first trimester lessened considerably.  I was able to stand up and cook and hug my kids whenever I wanted to! (Much to their dismay, hugs in the middle of Curious George are not always appreciated!)

I laid in bed nights and prayed for you… longed to hold you… cried tears of joy that I would be lucky enough to meet you.

And with this latest trip to Disney World, where we have been walking around the beautiful theme parks all day long and spending lots of time in the sun… I have really gotten to know you!  You love to tumble and kick and move around as often as possible!  

Even though you are my fourth child, I have never experienced activity like this in pregnancy… and its absolutely wonderful!

But.

As much as I love you and long for you, I am still struggling with fear sweet one.  Will I be able to take care of four kids?  

How can I possibly adequately love all of you the way you need?

Will I be able to handle it?

I am so thankful for Gods perfect timing in this.. I know I have just the right amount of time I need to deal with any fear that might arise.

And even though I didn't think it possible, to feel my love for you grow with passing every single moment.

I cant wait to meet you little one!

Love,

Your Mama

 

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Meet Amanda Rettke

Amanda Rettke is the creator of I Am Baker, and the bestselling author of Surprise Inside Cakes: Amazing Cakes for Every Occasion – With a Little Something Extra Inside.Over the course of her 15+ year blogging adventure, she has been featured in and collaborated with the Food Network, New York Times, LA Times, Country Living Magazine, People Magazine, Epicurious, Brides, Romantic Homes, life:beautiful, Publishers Weekly, The Daily Mail, Star Tribune, The Globe and Mail, DailyCandy, YumSugar, The Knot, The Kitchn, and Parade, to name a few.

Reader Comments

  1. You are a Godly woman. An awesome mom already. You will be able to take care of 4 children. I know you can. I am a mom of 4 and love every minute of it. Just keep relying on God and teaching your children about Him and He will guide you through your life. Blessings to you my dear friend!

  2. God picked you to be this baby’s Mom. He knows what he’s doing and will give you the grace when you need it. By reminding you of God’s plan and grace I am talking (reminding) myself too. Two of my four are “launched” and I’ve been having feelings of “Did I do the right things to parent each individual child? They are so different” All we can do is keep praying.

  3. Amanda,
    This is the sweetest post ever. I think all mama’s-to-be wonder how they can ever love another child (whether it be their second, fourth, or eighth) as much as their first one. Isn’t our God awesome in that He gives us that amazing Mama-love that gets equally spread around? God is so good. Praying for you Friend. Glad you managed to fit in Disney & other fun things along the way. Saw your twitter-post about how much you miss baking while you are traveling. I miss your baking & how you share all your goodies with us too! Praying for your safe re-entry into a Winter Wonderland. =)

  4. 🙂 My sweet friend, you are an awesome mommy and you will adjust just fine! Don’t we all have such concerns when we find out a second, third, fourth child is coming?
    I look over at my sweet Talon (my youngest) and think of how deeply I love him…how much joy he brings me. But I didn’t always feel this way about him. When I found out he was coming (while in a Toys R Us bathroom, which is where I decided to test because I “had to go” and had been feeling nauseous), I looked up towards God and silently screamed (cause…you know…it was a public bathroom), “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!” I didn’t think I could do this again. 11 months between my oldest and my second, 16 months from second to third, and 13 months from third to fourth. No way…no way could I put my body through ANOTHER pregnancy so soon. I was certain there was no way I could nurse another baby with three toddlers running around, no way I could go through it all over again.
    But God was not mistaken. And so, when I walked out of that bathroom and my husband saw my face and jumped for joy (psycho…course…it WOULD be easy for him, he wasn’t doing his fourth pregnancy in three years), I knew that it would be scary, and hard…but that it would be ok.
    And it is scary, and hard…and wonderful. I couldn’t imagine life without our sweet Tally-Tal. He totally completes us.
    And your fourth sweet child will soon be in your arms and you’ll wonder how you ever lived without him/her. 🙂
    Blessings, sweet friend!
    –Crystal

  5. Thank you for sharing this Crystal… I am all teary now! (and feeling so blessed for an honest and caring friend!)

  6. Such a sweet post 🙂 You will manage my dear. Times might be tough and frustrating sometimes, but you’ll get through it and the kids will love you, thats all that matters. 🙂

  7. Amanda
    What a beautiful letter to your sweet baby. I have some of the same fears…being a mom of 4 almost seems overwhelming at times and with a 19mo old as the closest age it is scaring me a bit. But I think I know your heart and although it won’t always be perfect or easy – your focus is being a Godly mom and woman and He will guide your path!!
    Blessings friend!
    Kristin

  8. You’ll do just fine, sweetie! The Lord, in His omnipotent goodness and love, created you to be just what your babies need. In all of your ups and downs, your family will love together through them, all under His watchful eye and in His ever-capable hands.
    God is good, all the time!

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