Dwayne, Dwayne, Go Away

filed under: Miscellaneous on August 14, 2010

Last night I was awoken by our dog, Raina, barking.  It was that different sort of bark where you know its not a squirrel or random critter.  I got up to tell her to hush and was blinded by a sea of red flashing lights.

Apparently, right in our backyard, a man (who I am guessing was severely intoxicated) had run from the police after being hit in the head with a baseball bat.

I feel funny even writing that.  He was not a nice man, and hurled profanity and insults at the emergency team that had assembled to help him.

This was 3:15am.  After the ambulance arrived and it was determined that all "Dwayne" knew was that he was very mad and that someone had hit him in the head with a baseball bat and he was now laying in the tall weeds, I figured I should head back to bed.

But as I was turning to go inside I heard this: (profanity not included)

"I am gonna get a lawyer and sue you!  Yeah, a lawyer and tell him you lied!  And he is gonna talk to you.  You are going to be talked to!  And he is a lawyer!  He is going to talk to you.  You better watch out police man.  You are gonna get talked to."

He then hurled the most terrifying threat of them all.

"And then I am gonna tell my wife on you!!!"

The men all shook in their boots a little at that one. 😉

So anyway, that is not my story.

This morning I let the dogs out and decided to investigate the scene (I have seen Law and Order, I am clearly a trained investigator) and see what damage had been done.

Not much.  It was pretty boring.

Until I happened upon this.


Can ya see it?

Here, let me help.

*insert violent shudder here*

This is a Black and Yellow Argiope.

This is a female, and she was surrounded by FIVE more Black and Yellow Argiopes.  

They are orb spiders, meaning that they have circular webs.  

They eat their web every single night and then make a new one every single day.

Their predators are birds, some wasps, and shrews and lizards.  

I had to go and look this up because I am TERRIFIED of spiders.  Sometimes having a little knowledge about them helps me sleep at night.  

Sometimes not.


Thats the back of one.  I had six to choose from.  Did I mention there are SIX of these in the back yard?  That I could see anyway.  There are probably lots, lots more.

*still violently shuddering*


I think I would rather have "Dwayne" hanging around.  

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  • Kalle says:

    EWww. Spiders and I do not get along. When I was younger, probably to young, I watched Arachnophobia and have not been able to look at spiders since. You get major props from for even taking their pictures.

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  • BJ_Mama says:

    EWWWWWWWWWWW……….I might opt for Dwayne too!

  • Michelle says:

    I think it’s beautiful! How amazing that God created such a creature that could spin a web so perfectly. I think it capture’s God’s glory in creation and how unique and special each of his creations are.
    Even though it looks gross and kind of creepy, it still serves a great purpose and I think you captured it wonderfully! Let’s name him James! Cause he’s gross and kind of creepy, but still God’s creation.

  • ali says:

    Haha! I totally read that predators line wrong and thought “What?! We have spiders that eat birds in Minnesota?! No way?!”
    I can appreaciate the beauty of a spider and even its web, but I appreciate them more when they’re not on or anywhere near my property…

  • Lorie says:

    Oh! That spider is crazy! And I love the web! We don’t have any spiders that make real webs around here. Just the stringy webs that you walk through and end up getting stuck to you.
    That one is cool!

  • Kirsten Buckle-Monroe says:

    We had the same thing happen when I was about 6th or 7th grade… my mom let our dog out for the morning to see someone stumbling around in our vegetable garden. We’re not quite sure what happened to him, other than there was a gash on his head and blood on a rock in the neighbor’s backyard… but the poor guy was most definitely drunk/high/whatever and had no idea where he was or why he was there.

  • Anne says:

    I would rather see pictures of Dwayne than that spider. Next time you should put up a warning for those of us with irrational fears of spiders 🙂 I closed my eyes and scrolled down to the end of the post…

  • Jenn-Jenn says:

    The underlying thread here is that no one likes spiders! I’d just like to know what the size of this thing is in order for it to be able to catch and eat BIRDS???
    In this case – knowledge does not equal peace of mind (not for me, anyway).

  • darcy @ m3b says:

    AMAZING. really amazing.
    thanks for the link!

  • Natalie says:

    Oh my goodness! How scary!!! Anytime we have a spider in the house I have my husband kill it right away. *shudder*

  • Adrienne says:

    While I am not a fan of spiders in my home, as the mother of a budding zoologist (or entomologist, or ichthyologist or, well, one of those -ologists) I think these are totally beautiful. I have a little guy who brings home every critter and creepy crawly under the sun (this summer he’s captured several snakes, 20+ frogs, a toad, and most recently, 5 crawdads).
    My first impulse upon finding a spider is still “Eek!-SQUISH”, but occasionally I find an outstanding specimen and I’m able to temper it long enough to actually catch them for him to see them.
    I’ve even started to let the little furry jumpers crawl on my hands. Really.
    The things you learn as a mother of boys. Sheesh.
    By the way, LOVE your spiders in jars idea. Can’t wait to try it for our Halloween party!

  • Adrienne says:

    One more thing. Did his wife hit him with the baseball bat? ‘Cause you know, I’d be tempted.

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