So I sorta have this problem.
I have opinions. And they are strong. And they are backed up by lots of words and louder words and emotions and strong facial expressions.
When I start to have these opinions that lead to emotions… I lose my filter. Ummm, maybe a better way of saying that is… I throw my filter on the ground and stomp all over and grind it with the heel of my shoe and then kick it for good measure.
The difference between me doing this 15 years ago and doing it today is that 15 years ago I didn’t know Jesus. So for all of my youth I would share all my opinions and offend 99% of the people I interacted with and we would no longer be friends and I would just move on to new friends.
But today… because I know the Lord… I have this big looming red neon flashing sign above my head.
YOU WERE WRONG YOU WERE WRONG YOU WERE WRONG
(I don’t think I uttered those words to anyone in my youth. It was unthinkable to admit that I was wrong!) Not that my opinion was wrong but the way I handled it was wrong. I stated it as a fact, and you know how people react to that.
But the truth is, it is my fact. And that fact is that abortion is murder. And the truth is no man can change my heart on that because Jesus is the one who placed that truth in me. So anyway I stated my truth to a group of people who passionately disagree with me. Why did I do that?
Afterwards my heart sinks. I hang my head in deep regret and grief that I failed Him again. Looking up at the Father I can only say one thing, “I cannot represent you. No one will ever know you through me.”
In my life, this has been a vicious cycle. I know it. But stopping seems impossible. Don’t get me wrong, I have tried! Over and over and over again… just BE QUIET I tell myself. Your opinion is not needed here. You never regret saying nothing. Your job depends on you staying silent!
But here I sit, deep in regret and self-loathing again.
All this is just one part of a sad pity party… believe me, I know that.
Once I move past the grief for how my actions have tarnished His kingdom, my heart breaks all over again. See.. I’m a mom.
I would give anything to teach my kids how to not be like me. How to be confident in yourself without having to prove it others. I want them to know that no one is ever argued into seeing your perspective. I want them to be so filled with compassion and grace that they first look to LISTEN to others, rather than to speak over them.
I sit here tonight pretty dejected. Feeling a bit hopeless that I am just too much of a wretched sinner to ever do good in this world. I honestly wish I could find a way to say that without sounding so whiny. Truthfully, this is all whiney.
But to dwell on that fact that people will be so turned off from my actions and words… that they will assume God’s character is just as poor. I just want to scream… “ALL THE BAD IS ME! NOT HIM!”
Tonight… every emotion feels magnified. Every doubt and fear and anxiety is amplified in my court of regret.
Is sorry enough? How do I apologize for the way I spoke but not for the truth behind it? How on earth will I ever truly respect other people’s opinions when they contradict God’s word?
I feel even more selfish asking… but if you would pray with me? For guidance. For a heavenly word. For a moment’s relief from this emotional roll coaster. For an answer as to why being me feels so wrong. For wisdom in parenting. For help in teaching them the way. For forgiveness.