I am thoroughly fed up. Its just too much.
I drove home from my great-grandma’s funeral yesterday. Five hours in the car, with the radio set on “scan” for most of the trip because my mind wondered so much I would forget to pick a station.
I woke up this morning to my husband saying the words, “Grandma Irene died.”
And my first thought was disbelief, but the anger soon followed.
I cant keep up. On one hand I have been in a constant state of grief for the last three months, on the other hand desperately trying to remember to praise and glorify God no matter the circumstances.
I have been completely uncomfortable in my skin, unsure of how to deal with excruciating loss while attempting to celebrate the new life growing within me.
Trying to comfort those whose loss seems more acute than mine, yet totally unable to deal with my own.
When Chad’s father suddenly passed three months ago, we were unprepared. We were all shocked. We all have this gaping whole where this vibrant life once was.
When his grandma Carole passed I was shocked to learn more about her in her death than I took the time to learn while she was alive. And the shame of that realization changed me. Or, at least it was supposed to.
When my Great Grandma Inga passed I didn’t let myself cry. It was really just too much. We had planned it. Made peace with it. Knew it was coming. When it happened I wasn’t prepared. I wasn’t at peace. And what I knew is that it just hurt.
A mere hours after getting home from her funeral, Chad slowly shared about Grandma Irene passing. I didnt take the time to go to her. I didnt bring the kids to visit her. There was so much I could have done to be there for her.
I just dont know how to process the grief anymore. Its heartbreaking to think about what the people that were closest to them are enduring. I want to take away their pain, but dont know how. Helpless and sad. Sad and helpless.
This crazy cycle of loss has had death on my mind for months now. I teeter between the selfish thoughts of mourning lost relationships and the thoughts of “What does this mean now? What do we do now?”
I cry out to God and try to rely on my faith, then beat myself up when my trust wavers. It says in the Bible:
4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Did you see that? Rejoice in the Lord always… in every situation..
Why cant I do that? Why cant I seem to give Him my grief and pain and hopelessness… when that is exactly what He tells me to do? There is much to rejoice for. God has called his precious children home.
I am just tired. So tired.
I know these feelings cant stay there, and I know joy and new life and love and peace are within my grasp, if I would but reach for Him.