I am thoroughly fed up.  Its just too much.

I drove home from my great-grandma’s funeral yesterday.  Five hours in the car, with the radio set on “scan” for most of the trip because my mind wondered so much I would forget to pick a station.

I woke up this morning to my husband saying the words, “Grandma Irene died.”

And my first thought was disbelief, but the anger soon followed.

I cant keep up.  On one hand I have been in a constant state of grief for the last three months, on the other hand desperately trying to remember to praise and glorify God no matter the circumstances.

I have been completely uncomfortable in my skin, unsure of how to deal with excruciating loss while attempting to celebrate the new life growing within me.

Trying to comfort those whose loss seems more acute than mine, yet totally unable to deal with my own.

When Chad’s father suddenly passed three months ago, we were unprepared.  We were all shocked.  We all have this gaping whole where this vibrant life once was.

When his grandma Carole passed I was shocked to learn more about her in her death than I took the time to learn while she was alive.  And the shame of that realization changed me.  Or, at least it was supposed to.

When my Great Grandma Inga passed I didn’t let myself cry.  It was really just too much.  We had planned it.  Made peace with it.  Knew it was coming.  When it happened I wasn’t prepared.  I wasn’t at peace.  And what I knew is that it  just hurt.

A mere hours after getting home from her funeral, Chad slowly shared about Grandma Irene passing.  I didnt take the time to go to her.  I didnt bring the kids to visit her.  There was so much I could have done to be there for her.

I just dont know how to process the grief anymore.  Its heartbreaking to think about what the people that were closest to them are enduring.  I want to take away their pain, but dont know how.  Helpless and sad.  Sad and helpless.

This crazy cycle of loss has had death on my mind for months now.  I teeter between the selfish thoughts of mourning lost relationships and the thoughts of “What does this mean now?  What do we do now?”

I cry out to God and try to rely on my faith, then beat myself up when my trust wavers.  It says in the Bible:

Philippians 4:4-6

4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Did you see that? Rejoice in the Lord always… in every situation..

Why cant I do that?  Why cant I seem to give Him my grief and pain and hopelessness… when that is exactly what He tells me to do?  There is much to rejoice for.  God has called his precious children home.

I am just tired.  So tired.

I know these feelings cant stay there, and I know joy and new life and love and peace are within my grasp, if I would but reach for Him.


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Meet Amanda Rettke

Amanda Rettke is the creator of I Am Baker, and the bestselling author of Surprise Inside Cakes: Amazing Cakes for Every Occasion – With a Little Something Extra Inside.Over the course of her 15+ year blogging adventure, she has been featured in and collaborated with the Food Network, New York Times, LA Times, Country Living Magazine, People Magazine, Epicurious, Brides, Romantic Homes, life:beautiful, Publishers Weekly, The Daily Mail, Star Tribune, The Globe and Mail, DailyCandy, YumSugar, The Knot, The Kitchn, and Parade, to name a few.

Reader Comments

  1. I don’t know the right words to say Amanda, except that I’m so incredibly sorry for all that you and your family have been going through and I’ll continue to pray for you guys.

  2. I am so sorry friend. I have been there..not with deaths in a family…but last year at this time our world was turned upside down when both my husband and I lost our jobs. Our lives, our circumstances seemed hopeless. My husband handled it much better than I did. I didn’t want to live, I was so angry at God for “letting” this happen to us. And while I had heard, and even told others at times to praise God in all circumstances I was unable to do it myself. Slowly though I was able to work through the feelings I was having and now a year later can see so many miracles that have happened since then. We HAD to lose our jobs to be where we are today….and while it can’t compare to losing a loved one….my prayer will be that over the next few months you too will be able to see some little miracles through this and that you will feel God’s presence in a real way!! Hugs and here if you need anything!!

    1. You are so wise to look back and see Him with you every step of the way… thank you for sharing this Kristin! I just love that you are praising Him throughout every circumstance. 🙂

  3. Oh friend – you are having my 2011, and I’m sorry. It feels like it is just way too much, I know.
    My heart aches for you. I’m so sorry.

  4. my dear friend,
    so sorry to hear about yet another loss. praying for you.
    may the LORD bear your broken heart and take that heavy spirit of loss and disappointment.
    The Eternal God is our dwelling place, and underneath are the Everlasting Arms. May He Carry you… He will do it… He is not afraid of all our emotions. Jesus wept-i think it may have been bitterly, when His dear friend, Lazurus died… cast it all on Him…He has been “in the flesh” as we are… there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ… praying He will love you and sustain you…
    thinking of you, praying God’s perfect peace and strength,
    sorry :* ( for your tremendous losses
    lifting you all up to the LORD in prayer,

  5. Oh Amanda my heart breaks reading your post. I pray that the Lord brings you peace and understanding. So often we forget that the same wonderful Savior that gives us life also takes that life from this world and brings it to a peaceful place filled with eternal happiness that will continue all the days of time. My thoughts and prayers are with you during this difficult time Amanda.

  6. My heart aches with yours. There is no “right” way to grieve and mourn your loss. It will take time for you to move through the process and grow. Its okay to be sad, angry, cry, and cry out to God. Its okay to not to know what you “should” do or how to move forward. The important thing is that you don’t shut off your feelings. Its okay to be working through praising and thankfulness and how to do it even as your heart is breaking. He’s not expecting perfect, Jesus gave that for us. DO it as God designed YOU to do. Moment by moment, day by day. You’ll move forward and grow. I’ve felt those heart aches, I’ve cried those trears and tried not to cry them too. He held me through the moments I felt selfish for not wanting Him to call my loved one home, when I was angry at Him because I thought I needed more time with them, angry at my self for not taking the time I had… He held me while my heart broke for all the things that person ment and I only hold memories of. He held me as I learned a new normal, as I learned to live my life with only memories of that person, and as I continue to move forward today. Still once in a while my heart remembers with sadness instead of with joy. He is holding you too. Praying for His peace to wrap tightly around you.

  7. I don’t know you but I read your blog. I have a firm faith in God and Christ and the strength of the atonement to heal our pain. My sister was just diagnosed with cancer this week, she is my best friend, to say I was angry at the world would be an understatement. Being hurt and having regrets are two of the hardest things to cope with. Before the cancer my sister went to the group Recovery Inernational for depression, they have groups all over the country and address recovering emotionally in all situations. I believe in life after death, that God wants us to be happy eternally and part of that is being with our loved ones after we die, here are two videos that might bring a little sunshine to your life, https://www.lds.org/pages/mormon-messages?lang=eng#eternal-truth, and https://www.lds.org/pages/mormon-messages?lang=eng#forgiveness-my-burden-was-made-light May God bless you with peace, comfort and strength.

  8. Rejoice – a word of “command” if you will…..but keep reading – vs 7 gives you the promise – And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

    My prayers are with you in your loss.

  9. Amanda, I can’t imagine going through what you’ve faced this year. Your grief and frustration seem very reasonable.
    Yet, even in the midst of them I pray you will surrender yourself to God’s loving care for you. He knows how you’re feeling, your questions, your grief, your anger. May you find yourself able to pour out your heart to Him and allow Him to begin putting the pieces back together.
    Praying for you, friend.

  10. from what I’ve learned when I’ve hit bottom of the bottom of the bottom?
    that tomorrow will be a tad better, which means the next day will be a tad+ better
    so with time, it does get better
    what helps?
    go to the movies and see something shiny, funny, happy, etc…
    take a break from the internet
    work out with weights

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