I am thoroughly fed up.  Its just too much.

I drove home from my great-grandma’s funeral yesterday.  Five hours in the car, with the radio set on “scan” for most of the trip because my mind wondered so much I would forget to pick a station.

I woke up this morning to my husband saying the words, “Grandma Irene died.”

And my first thought was disbelief, but the anger soon followed.

I cant keep up.  On one hand I have been in a constant state of grief for the last three months, on the other hand desperately trying to remember to praise and glorify God no matter the circumstances.

I have been completely uncomfortable in my skin, unsure of how to deal with excruciating loss while attempting to celebrate the new life growing within me.

Trying to comfort those whose loss seems more acute than mine, yet totally unable to deal with my own.

When Chad’s father suddenly passed three months ago, we were unprepared.  We were all shocked.  We all have this gaping whole where this vibrant life once was.

When his grandma Carole passed I was shocked to learn more about her in her death than I took the time to learn while she was alive.  And the shame of that realization changed me.  Or, at least it was supposed to.

When my Great Grandma Inga passed I didn’t let myself cry.  It was really just too much.  We had planned it.  Made peace with it.  Knew it was coming.  When it happened I wasn’t prepared.  I wasn’t at peace.  And what I knew is that it  just hurt.

A mere hours after getting home from her funeral, Chad slowly shared about Grandma Irene passing.  I didnt take the time to go to her.  I didnt bring the kids to visit her.  There was so much I could have done to be there for her.

I just dont know how to process the grief anymore.  Its heartbreaking to think about what the people that were closest to them are enduring.  I want to take away their pain, but dont know how.  Helpless and sad.  Sad and helpless.

This crazy cycle of loss has had death on my mind for months now.  I teeter between the selfish thoughts of mourning lost relationships and the thoughts of “What does this mean now?  What do we do now?”

I cry out to God and try to rely on my faith, then beat myself up when my trust wavers.  It says in the Bible:

Philippians 4:4-6

4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Did you see that? Rejoice in the Lord always… in every situation..

Why cant I do that?  Why cant I seem to give Him my grief and pain and hopelessness… when that is exactly what He tells me to do?  There is much to rejoice for.  God has called his precious children home.

I am just tired.  So tired.

I know these feelings cant stay there, and I know joy and new life and love and peace are within my grasp, if I would but reach for Him.

 

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Meet Amanda Rettke

Amanda Rettke is the creator of I Am Baker, and the bestselling author of Surprise Inside Cakes: Amazing Cakes for Every Occasion – With a Little Something Extra Inside.Over the course of her 15+ year blogging adventure, she has been featured in and collaborated with the Food Network, New York Times, LA Times, Country Living Magazine, People Magazine, Epicurious, Brides, Romantic Homes, life:beautiful, Publishers Weekly, The Daily Mail, Star Tribune, The Globe and Mail, DailyCandy, YumSugar, The Knot, The Kitchn, and Parade, to name a few.

Reader Comments

  1. Wow, what a time you have had. Don’t be so hard on yourself, Amanda. The Lord knows you and loves you. I know sometimes it’s hard to figure out just how to cast your burdens on Him, but when we merely reach out, He will come the rest of the way. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

  2. So sorry to hear you are experiencing the loss of your grandmother right after the loss of your great grandmother. It’s completely natural to question why and to feel unsettled, but when life brings you to your knees, try to remember the Psalm “Be still and know that I am God”. Everything occurs according to His plan, even the way you feel right now. Don’t be critical of yourself. Instead, focus on the days ahead and the upcoming new addition to your family. It’s also important to get plenty of rest, and let the simple joys in life comfort you. This is what our loved ones want.

    May they both rest in peace, and may perpetual light shine upon them.

  3. Thinking of you and praying for you and your family. Unfortunately I can relate all too well… though I don’t have new life growing inside of me. My mom died in an accident while backpacking in Nepal this weekend… so sudden and unexpected…

    Prayers for you… Kari

  4. It’s not what you believe in but what is in your heart that is important. You obviously love all those you have lost. As long as you continue to feel, in anyway, you carry them in your heart wherever you go. In time you will be able to rejoice in that.

  5. Amanda, what an amazing spirit you are. Finding scriptures and turning to God even with your frustrations and deep loss. You are an excellent testimony and witness for Christ. Your honesty and love is what your readers need. I thank God for you because life is hard and sometimes our personal hurricanes that seem like the eye of the storm has hovered way to long just over us is the perfect time for God to show us his strength in our weakness and some how he always is able to move the storm and finally let the light back in and I just pray for you and your family that God would shine his light on you all and give you his peace and just know as he promised he is with you through this long storm. We here in blog land love you and are grieving with you, so sorry for your loss. Stephanie

  6. Dear Amanda,

    I pray for understanding and peace for you during this incredibly difficult time. Know that you are loved and supported through it all.
    Blesssings. xox

  7. Ugh. What a load you are bearing. Please try to unload some of that weight on your heavenly father. He wants you to, even if it’s all hard to understand. Faith and trust. Much love and prayers for you and your family. xo

  8. Oh Amanda, my sincere condolences on the loss of your grandmother. I understand how overwhelmed you are feeling and if I could, I would come over and hug you and just sit with you. I know that you know that God truly does not give us anymore than we can bear and when we feel we can’t bear it, he is there to helps us find a way through it.
    Though we feel we need to, we don’t have to understand why sadness and tragedy happen. We just need to know that sometimes we have to sit on the back of the bike and let God do all the peddling.
    As hard as it is for us to say a final farewell to a loved one, really believing that they are in a better place (as much as a cliche as that sounds) it is true. They are at peace and their spirits do live on within us.
    Go about your day, taking care of yourself and your family. Loving and letting yourself be loved. Your loved ones who have gone on know that they left this world full of your love, no matter when you told them or saw them last. They are at peace with their circumstances and want you to be as well. Keep their memories close to your heart and you will get through all that has come and is yet to come.

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