So I was doing rounds today… checking in my favorite blogs… laughing and giggling and signing up to win (cause I am so going to win this time!) and oohhh and aaahhhing over peoples creativeness… when I came upon Carma's blog.
In her most recent post she talks about a day with her son out at the Renaissance Fair where he works as a juggler. He is young, just thirteen, and already talented enough to be an independent performer. He worked the whole day… juggling and working the crowd and pushing himself and smiling through frustration and fatigue.
And the whole time she watched her boy.
She watched him striving to please. She watched him reaching out and hoping and trying to win the honor of a smile or some loose change from the passer by's.
It was hard on her… as I think it is for all moms.
It reminded me of a day I recently had with Colton. (But not TOO recently cause we were outside enjoying the sun, not in the middle of a snow storm like we are now!)
This is the comment I left for Carma:
The other day on the playground (that's how *I* roll) Colton went up to
some girls who promptly ignored him.
He kept trying to get their
attention and they kept trying to get rid of him.
He did a leap and a
twirl and fell and hit is head where I promptly ran over to save him. He was un-phased and went right back to trying to impress them…at his own expense.
gotta tell you Carma… it was HEARTBREAKING to see my child want to
please a stranger so badly… to see his eyes as he realized they were
not going to befriend him… to watch his first bout of rejection and
know there was NOTHING I could do to change it.
I am still scarred by the incident, and often wonder if he even thinks about it…
I once heard that having children is seeing your heart walking around outside your body.
I never understood that saying until that moment with my child.
I would have given anything to give him the acceptance he was seeking. For the life of me, I could not understand why those little girls were so mean. Why they would reject this perfect little person that is my son? Why couldn't they see how wonderful and funny and charming he was?
Upon reflection… I am coming to see that this doesn't have much to do with those little girls who just wanted to have a girl talk and whisper about princesses and fairy tales.
It did however, have everything to do with character. What character am I fostering in my child and what kind of character does he glean from watching me.
And what can I teach him from this incident? Do I talk about rejection and how to deal with it? Because honestly, I am still trying to figure that out myself. But is there something I can say to this innocent child now so that he doesn't spend a lifetime questioning himself like I do?
I mentioned to Carma that this incident is never far from my thoughts… but that Colton probably doesn't think about it much.
I wonder if that is true.
Is this just part of growing up?
Because it seems to me that I already went through this once.
So why does it hurt so much more the second time?