This is the post I never thought I would have to write.
See, I was a cocky mommy. I had the whole “three kids” thing down pat. I could get things done during the day and still be with my kids and still make dinner for the family and not fall asleep standing at the kitchen sink at 8:06pm.
Then Eddie came along.
I love Eddie. I adore him. I smother him in kisses and snuggles. I cant stand being away from him. He is beautiful and perfect and my sweet, precious baby.
But Eddie cries.
A lot. I dont know why. I have heard the term colicky being thrown around and refused to entertain the thought.
Not my baby. My baby could never cry for no reason… I am super mom! I would always be able to find a way to ease his discomfort and make things right.
But… and I am crying as I write this… I cant. I cant always make things right. Sometimes he just cries and I cant make it better.
And its killing me.
I think about him all the time. I think if only I could hold him all day long and cuddle him and nurse him he would be happy.
But I cant. I have three other kids and a husband and a home and I cant.
I just cant. I cant make my baby ok and I cant be the mom I was to my kids before Eddie came along and I cant make dinners every night and I cant work out like I should be and I cant update my blog and I cant write those darn thank you notes sitting on my dresser half done and I cant keep up with laundry and I cant homeschool and I cant make my baby stop crying.
The guilt is overwhelming. But I would take it all on and then some if I could just make my baby comfortable and happy.
So much of who I am is wrapped up into being a mother. And if I cant do this, well, I just dont want to face those thoughts.
There a moments… hours even… of peace. Where he drifts off into a blissful sleep. And lately, there are even moments when he is awake and he will smile! Where he will look into my eyes and lift up the side of his mouth like a mini Elvis. His eyes will twinkle as he gazes into mine and I am renewed in those precious moments of love.
I covet those moments… they are whats keeping me going.
Right now, I am just tired. And feeling like a failure. And wishing I could make everything alright. Just not knowing how.
I cannot tell you the struggle I have had in whether or not to share this. To tell the world (or my little corner of it) is a fear I didnt even know I had! But I selfishly just want to ask for a prayer.
If you have a moment, will you just pray for my little Eddie?
Oh sweetie! Oh, I feel just horrible I didn’t realize this was happening!
My sister’s first baby was colicky. And she called one day from Hawaii (where she lived at the time) and said…”what did you do when kiddo SCREAMED, and ALL the time?” I told her…he didn’t scream, he cried, yada, yada. It wasn’t until they came to visit us that I realized, this wasn’t regular “baby fussing.” This was different. And it was hard. And I had no advice.
I’m so, so sorry you are going through this. Eddie is lucky to have such a caring mommy. I wish I had advice to give you…just know I’m here when you need an ear or a shoulder…all of us are. You were brave to post this…and I bet it will help a lot of other new moms…just knowing they are not alone.
{{hug}}
Prayers for the both of you. There is strength in admitting you feel weak and vulnerable sometimes. Mama, you are HUMAN. These emotions, and this exhaustion and this guilt? All part of being HUMAN.
Give yourself a break. Literally and figuratively. I always use this fabulous analogy my sponsor would use when I first got sober. She told me that if a plane loses cabin pressure and the oxygen masks come down, they always instruct you to put YOURS on FIRST. Because if you tend to the kids, and then run out of air and pass out, you are good to NO ONE.
So wallow in this, because it’s only natural, but somewhere, somehow, you have to find that oxygen mask and put it on. FIRST.
Blessings.
It was so brave of you to write this, but I really admire your honesty. Luke was “colicky” too and I remember them as being pretty dark days, which got better as he got a little older. Love to you and Eddie.
I will pray for your sweet little boy. I’ve been there. And God is Faithful!
Hang in there mama, you’re doing great!
xoxo
Amanda – praying so much for you. I have been there!! Elijah had such terrible colic that he would scream for hours on end in the evening. No one could help him and I was the best able to “deal” with it. I would walk the basement with him in the sling and sing to him. PLEASE don’t feel like a failure. This too shall pass and in a month or so he will grow out of this and be the smiley boy you desire. Don’t be afraid to ask for help…if I were closer I would come!!! But you can’t do it all so don’t think you have failed if you aren’t super mom! 4 IS hard…but all of your kiddos know you love them and they love you for who you are…not how great you are at every little thing!! Keep praying and know that I am lifting you up!! One of these days we will have to connect in person now that I am almost living in your state!! 🙂
Blessings friend!!
Kristin
Oh Amanda, I feel your distress and just asked my super perfect Mom who knows these things… Mom says to try ‘gripe water’… it comes in a bottle and is labelled as such. All pharmacies should carry it. It’s always worked Mom says, so maybe you could check it out. Pls. let me know how things are going and I will ask Mom what to do next! Suzette
Amanda… this time will pass and you will forget all about it!! I have 5 kids… twins my last with a 7, 5 & 3 year old. It still brings me to tears thinking about those HARD days. I wish you were in california I would be over to help 🙁 Give it a couple months and he will be over it hopefully. My girls are 4 1/2 now and it all seems like a blur.
Hugs to you!
I’m sorry to hear that both you and Eddie are crying! I have not advice, only prayers and comfort. As long as there is nothing physically wrong with him then this is one of those things that you have to let him outgrow. Do you have one of those baby slings? I never did but I have heard from new Moms that they love the fact they can cuddle the baby and have them close yet their arms are still free for all that *other* stuff, like cleaning, laundry, cooking, baking etc.
You and Eddie and the entire family will get through this…severely sleep deprived yes, but you’ll make it. Also, if you have a friend you can call to come and watch him, even if he’s screaming…call them and get out of the house alone for a few hours. A change is as good as a rest…even if you go somewhere else to nap for a bit 🙂 Hugs to you all.
Prayers heading your way!
You are an awesome Mom sweetie…..hugs, love and prayers.
ps…..I’m proud of you, ya know {hugs}