This is the post I never thought I would have to write.
See, I was a cocky mommy. I had the whole “three kids” thing down pat. I could get things done during the day and still be with my kids and still make dinner for the family and not fall asleep standing at the kitchen sink at 8:06pm.
Then Eddie came along.
I love Eddie. I adore him. I smother him in kisses and snuggles. I cant stand being away from him. He is beautiful and perfect and my sweet, precious baby.
But Eddie cries.
A lot. I dont know why. I have heard the term colicky being thrown around and refused to entertain the thought.
Not my baby. My baby could never cry for no reason… I am super mom! I would always be able to find a way to ease his discomfort and make things right.
But… and I am crying as I write this… I cant. I cant always make things right. Sometimes he just cries and I cant make it better.
And its killing me.
I think about him all the time. I think if only I could hold him all day long and cuddle him and nurse him he would be happy.
But I cant. I have three other kids and a husband and a home and I cant.
I just cant. I cant make my baby ok and I cant be the mom I was to my kids before Eddie came along and I cant make dinners every night and I cant work out like I should be and I cant update my blog and I cant write those darn thank you notes sitting on my dresser half done and I cant keep up with laundry and I cant homeschool and I cant make my baby stop crying.
The guilt is overwhelming. But I would take it all on and then some if I could just make my baby comfortable and happy.
So much of who I am is wrapped up into being a mother. And if I cant do this, well, I just dont want to face those thoughts.
There a moments… hours even… of peace. Where he drifts off into a blissful sleep. And lately, there are even moments when he is awake and he will smile! Where he will look into my eyes and lift up the side of his mouth like a mini Elvis. His eyes will twinkle as he gazes into mine and I am renewed in those precious moments of love.
I covet those moments… they are whats keeping me going.
Right now, I am just tired. And feeling like a failure. And wishing I could make everything alright. Just not knowing how.
I cannot tell you the struggle I have had in whether or not to share this. To tell the world (or my little corner of it) is a fear I didnt even know I had! But I selfishly just want to ask for a prayer.
If you have a moment, will you just pray for my little Eddie?
This is what happened to me when I had my fourth baby. He is 6 months now and it has gotten better but I still have a little trouble balancing my time. I also have PPD which has gotten better but I still have bad days. I will be praying for you and make sure you talk to close family and friends about how you are feeling. You are a amazing mom and don’t be hard on yourself. Make sure you take any help offered so that you can get some rest.
Also my three year old had colic and I used the gas drops. It seemed to subside when he was about 3 months old.
Amanda – You are a great mom. Really. This happens to some babies and he will outgrow it. It isn’t you. But, his crying will wear you down so you might need a little break, a little time away…even an hour. Can someone watch him now and then so you can re-energize?
I will be giving you and Eddie lots of virtual hugs. (And will ask some of my young mom friends if they have some advice.)
Colton was just like that. He would get fussy every afternoon and cry and cry AND CRY until he went to bed and then was up during the night quite a bit and unable to go back to sleep. Turned out he was having serious stomach issues. Poor little guy! Have you thought about omitting common digestive issue cuplprits from your diet, like milk and other gas causing foods? I bet that would help!
Hang in there! It will get better, I promise.
Miss Amanda, I will pray for that sweet redhead of yours, but I’m not so worried about him. He will push through and come out the sweetest boy you ever did see before you know it. It is you, my dear, that I worry about. I wish I could take that baby from you for a few hours to give you the break you need, to let you get your work done. And more than that, I wish I could steal that maternal guilt from you and lock it in a box and throw it far out into the ocean, where it would drift away until you forgot about it forever. Please know there are people who care, who want to help, who are sitting here waiting for you to show up for coffee, crying baby and all.
I will definitely include you in my prayers! Just remember that this will pass. Collick only lasts a few months. I know it’s hard to get through those months, but you can make it through because…well, you don’t have a choice I suppose. I only have one boy, a toddler right now and he’s quite a handful, so let me assure you that you are super-mom. I’ve been reading your blog for awhile now and you are definitely an amazing mom.
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:7. Prayers for you and precious little Eddie.
There’s no advice, no words to make it better, but I can pray and I am. I only wish I were close enough to come hold him for a while so you could rest a bit. Hang in there and don’t ever think you have to be a super mom – not even for one second, ya here?
Bless you!! I have no advice or ideas for you. I have genuine sincere prayers. You will be on my mind and in my heart.
Aw, praying for both Eddie AND you! I went through this with my very first baby and was really blown away with how awful of a mom I sincerely thought I was! Thing was…I wasn’t! And you know what? You aren’t, either! So try not to believe those lies that crop up in your head. This is one of those things where it could literally be 500 different things affecting him and it’s hard to tell. I wanted to ask you – do you have a baby carrier and do you wear him? I have had incredible success with that with my last 3. I was able to go back to getting things done while wearing them, and they slept soundly…or I’d nurse them in it. My fav was the Peanut Shell. http://www.thepeanutshell.com/
I see that other caring people here on your blog have made suggestions, too, so I don’t want to overwhelm you. But please know that this is definitely a phase, so try to take it a day at a time [even though that’s hard at times!], and we all love you and think the world of you! I think you are wonderful for coming on here and sharing your heart – just like you always do. BIG hugs, girlie!!!