This is the post I never thought I would have to write.
See, I was a cocky mommy. I had the whole “three kids” thing down pat. I could get things done during the day and still be with my kids and still make dinner for the family and not fall asleep standing at the kitchen sink at 8:06pm.
Then Eddie came along.
I love Eddie. I adore him. I smother him in kisses and snuggles. I cant stand being away from him. He is beautiful and perfect and my sweet, precious baby.
But Eddie cries.
A lot. I dont know why. I have heard the term colicky being thrown around and refused to entertain the thought.
Not my baby. My baby could never cry for no reason… I am super mom! I would always be able to find a way to ease his discomfort and make things right.
But… and I am crying as I write this… I cant. I cant always make things right. Sometimes he just cries and I cant make it better.
And its killing me.
I think about him all the time. I think if only I could hold him all day long and cuddle him and nurse him he would be happy.
But I cant. I have three other kids and a husband and a home and I cant.
I just cant. I cant make my baby ok and I cant be the mom I was to my kids before Eddie came along and I cant make dinners every night and I cant work out like I should be and I cant update my blog and I cant write those darn thank you notes sitting on my dresser half done and I cant keep up with laundry and I cant homeschool and I cant make my baby stop crying.
The guilt is overwhelming. But I would take it all on and then some if I could just make my baby comfortable and happy.
So much of who I am is wrapped up into being a mother. And if I cant do this, well, I just dont want to face those thoughts.
There a moments… hours even… of peace. Where he drifts off into a blissful sleep. And lately, there are even moments when he is awake and he will smile! Where he will look into my eyes and lift up the side of his mouth like a mini Elvis. His eyes will twinkle as he gazes into mine and I am renewed in those precious moments of love.
I covet those moments… they are whats keeping me going.
Right now, I am just tired. And feeling like a failure. And wishing I could make everything alright. Just not knowing how.
I cannot tell you the struggle I have had in whether or not to share this. To tell the world (or my little corner of it) is a fear I didnt even know I had! But I selfishly just want to ask for a prayer.
If you have a moment, will you just pray for my little Eddie?
YES, and for you! You need a big ol’ hug and some reassurance that you’re an AMAZING mommy and you’re not doing a single thing “wrong.” Love to you!
I hear your love and commitment to your family as you write, there is nothing for you to feel guilty about. Sometimes things just happen that are beyond our control making us feel as if we have failed but that is certainly not true. Try checking into your community or town and see if they have groups for women who feel the way you do, I know they have them everywhere and they are awesome! ! Also I’d love to keep you and your baby and your entire family in my prayers and I’m here to listen or talk with you if you just want a friend. My name is Brenda Jarmusz and I’m a Christian wife of 25 years and mother of 3 grown and married and amazing kids I’m 43 and I went through that with my middle son and everything turned out fine he currently serves our country in the U.S NAVY and. I am a proud grandma because of his son. God bless and here is my email. Its brendajarmusz69@yahoo.com. I’m a retired nurse due to an injury on the job so I like to make cakes for fun. Now you know about me lol I mean it write me sometime if you just need a prayer or an ear to listen. Have a great day
OH Amanda…so so sorry you are going through this. But it shall pass. Even the worst times do.
Will pray for you both.
xoxo
Oh hon, it’s very brave for you to write this and I also hope you feel a little better after putting it out there. Please know you are not alone and I will pray for both of you and your sweet little Eddie.
p.s. none of us are “Super Mom” or expect you to be either. xo
I agree, even though we all try to be we just can’t be perfect. But that’s ok only God is perfect, you love and take such great care of your family and people around you so in my book you are a super woman. Cut yourself. A break and take time out to see just how awesome you and your family are. GOD BLESS!! our prayers are with you and lil Eddie and the rest of your family
Will pray that everything is better soon!
absolutely for you and eddie and the rest of your family.
I have been there! Oh my goodness, have I been there. It will get better! Just hang in there, as best as you can, get every single bit of extra help from friends or your spouse.
Try to see if after he eats he seems “gulpy” like he keeps making little swallows. My daughter had invisible reflux. She never spit up but she had really bad reflux and it made her colic so much worse. It might be a long shot but once we figured that out and got her medicine to help heal her throat she was at least able to sleep a little bit. The colic is something else, and oh boy, I feel your pain.
I’m sorry you are going through this, but just know that it isn’t your fault, that most times it just takes time to ride this phase out, and it will get better. 🙂
Hugs!! I can’t say that I know what you’re going through as I’m not a mommy *yet*, but I will pray for sure! I hope you both find comfort 🙁
Of course I will put you guys in my prayers! You are a spectacular , loving mommy! Have him checked for Colitus(sp?) My girlfriend had the same issue with her 4 girls and that’s what it was. also run the vaccum when he starts to cry sometimes the noise will calm him down because it reminds them of the soundsin the womb. same thing if you prop baby carrier/ carseat on the washer during the spin cycle. I know it sounds weird but it does help colicky babies.Just take a few breaths I know it is hard to sometimes feel sane when the baby is crying and you feel like you are being pulled every which way. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Xoxo
Love and hugs to you… I just sent you a Skype message. Let’s chat 🙂
I agonized over the same thing with my second born. He screamed and screamed for months and months, and didn’t stop until I weaned him (at 12 months!). Turns out he was so extremely sensitive to gluten… I had taken it completely out of his diet only weeks after introducing grains and seeing a plethora of new physical symptoms, but I was still eating grains, and I didn’t realize how much it affected him, it was crazy. And heartbreaking. It still breaks my heart thinking back to that time.
I had a friend with a similar story with dairy.
I’m not saying your baby has an allergy/sensitivity, but that it is something to consider- you could try eliminating common allergens from your diet for a while…
This time will pass, even if you don’t find a “solution”, he will grow up and grow out of the constant crying eventually. I’m so sorry you’re in the thick of it right now, I’ll definitely be praying for an extra ounce (or pound, or ton!) of grace from Him.
Hang in there- you are NOT a failure! You are a wonderful mother, and the exact mother the Lord meant for your children!