This is the post I never thought I would have to write.
See, I was a cocky mommy. I had the whole “three kids” thing down pat. I could get things done during the day and still be with my kids and still make dinner for the family and not fall asleep standing at the kitchen sink at 8:06pm.
Then Eddie came along.
I love Eddie. I adore him. I smother him in kisses and snuggles. I cant stand being away from him. He is beautiful and perfect and my sweet, precious baby.
But Eddie cries.
A lot. I dont know why. I have heard the term colicky being thrown around and refused to entertain the thought.
Not my baby. My baby could never cry for no reason… I am super mom! I would always be able to find a way to ease his discomfort and make things right.
But… and I am crying as I write this… I cant. I cant always make things right. Sometimes he just cries and I cant make it better.
And its killing me.
I think about him all the time. I think if only I could hold him all day long and cuddle him and nurse him he would be happy.
But I cant. I have three other kids and a husband and a home and I cant.
I just cant. I cant make my baby ok and I cant be the mom I was to my kids before Eddie came along and I cant make dinners every night and I cant work out like I should be and I cant update my blog and I cant write those darn thank you notes sitting on my dresser half done and I cant keep up with laundry and I cant homeschool and I cant make my baby stop crying.
The guilt is overwhelming. But I would take it all on and then some if I could just make my baby comfortable and happy.
So much of who I am is wrapped up into being a mother. And if I cant do this, well, I just dont want to face those thoughts.
There a moments… hours even… of peace. Where he drifts off into a blissful sleep. And lately, there are even moments when he is awake and he will smile! Where he will look into my eyes and lift up the side of his mouth like a mini Elvis. His eyes will twinkle as he gazes into mine and I am renewed in those precious moments of love.
I covet those moments… they are whats keeping me going.
Right now, I am just tired. And feeling like a failure. And wishing I could make everything alright. Just not knowing how.
I cannot tell you the struggle I have had in whether or not to share this. To tell the world (or my little corner of it) is a fear I didnt even know I had! But I selfishly just want to ask for a prayer.
If you have a moment, will you just pray for my little Eddie?
I hope you feel better just having been able to write those thoughts down. Many have traveled the same road, but without a forum to release their feelings. I wish you peace and calmness in the days to come. We are not here to judge you, only support you. Prayers said for you and your family.
Oh yes, babies crying…that happends. But don’t worry, it wouldn’t last too long. Why don’t you try to carry him in a wrap sling?( http://didymos.com/ ). He will have what he wants(being stuck with you), and you will have both hands free for your other 3, for cooking and all the rest. Belive me it’s a grate invention. It worked for me.
I hope everything goes better soon (and i hope my english is not that bad, I’m spanish :))
Kises,
Macarena.
I’ve never commented before, but couldn’t let it go this time. My first baby was proclaimed ‘colicky’ by ER doctors repeatedly for the first five months of his life. He had been put on reflux medicine fairly early on, which helped some, but he still would scream for hours and hours. It broke my heart and made me crazy. I had looked into some possible causes on my own because I was just getting no help from anyone here (we live in Scotland) and decided to cut dairy completely out of my diet. It made a HUGE difference. He didn’t have an allergy, just a sensitivity. I could not believe what a great personality my little guy had after I made that move. Then, when we started him on solids, we found he responded in a similar way (i.e. lots of screaming) to gluten and so cut that out for a while. Around the one-year mark I slowly tried reincorporating those foods into his diet and he was totally fine! Around the same time we finally got an appointment with a pediatrician who told us it is much more common than people realize for babies to have food sensitivities (not allergies) that are outgrown within the first year or two. Especially with dairy and gluten. I remain convinced that colic is never without a cause! It is worth trying things until something works.
It is not an easy decision to make to try cutting things out like that, especially when you’re feeding a family. But, I found it was a pretty quick transition to find substitutes for things I normally ate and it was SO worth it to see my baby enjoying life so much more. I am expecting baby boy #2 in about a week and we are ready this time. If he is exceedingly fussy like the first, we are going to start trying things right away! Not eating dairy (or whatever) for a little while is more than worth it to avoid going through all that again.
Hopefully your little guy will calm down and all will be well. May the Lord give you guys peace. I am happy to give you substitutions/recipes or whatever else if you decide to try going dairy free, just get in touch!
I cried, and cried and then I sobbed as I read your post! I had an Eddie, his name is Joshua. He is my last of 4, my unexpected blessing when my others were halfway to grown. I had never had one with colic (even the word makes me shutter!) when this sweetie came along. Months and months of issed church services, very early dinner dates, missed concerts for the others, basically, I felt like my baby was holding me hostage. And absolutely NOTHING made him happy. Not diet changes, gripe water, fennel tea, NOTHING!! Others assured me that it would get better, and it did. But when you are locked in your room, it seems like a life sentence. It will get better. And you will have a life again. But most of all, you are a wonderful mom. And I know this because you are not worried about yourself, but worried about your baby, and other babies too. We are ptaying for you (I am crying even as I write this !) and your babies. Chin up, and dont be afraid to ask for help!
Thinking of you, Amanda! I will be praying for you and little Eddie… Hoping you are both feeling better soon. Hang in there!
One more prayer coming your way. I have a 2 month old and a 2 year old – so while I can’t say that I know what it’s like to be in your shoes – I can say that I know what it’s like to feel helpless sometimes. Thank you for saying what all moms never want to say. It makes us realize that we’re not alone. :0)
I understand! I wish I could get everything done and keep everyone happy… super mom. But I can’t. You just do the best you can with what you have! And I’m sure that everyone and their dog has given you advice…here’s some more, but honestly… listen to it or not, that’s your decision.
If your baby is having digestive issues that you don’t know about then it’s a life saver if you give them just a 1/2 teaspoon of liquid acidophilus every day… I’d just put it in a bottle mixed with a little of whatever he can take at his age… juice, formula, breastmilk… whatever. And if Eddie isn’t having any digestive problems then this remedy won’t hurt him either… I had my brothers’ twin 6 week olds that I took care of when I had a 3 week old… the twins both needed acidophilus, and after about 5 days they both stopped crying a lot… it was my life saver!
And God will get you through!
Oh sweetie, this too shall pass. I’m a Mom of 5, and it can be really hard. Give yourself a break, you are doing JUST FINE.
My second born had colic. Oy vey, thought I would go crazy some nights. Then poof, he was back to his adorable, cooing self before I knew it. It was horrible at the time, very frustating when you can’t soothe them like you want.
I’ll be praying for calm for you & your little ones.
I didn’t read the other comments, but could it be silent reflux? Reflux without spitting up? My third cried NON STOP turned out he couldn’t handle lactose and had reflux. Zantac and cutting out dairy and our lives were good. Oh and I got a moby wrap. Then I can hold a baby all day long and still get stuff done.
Good luck!
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” -Matthew 11:28-30
God is with you, Amanda, and will carry you and your family through this. You are a super mom and it will get better. I’ve been through colic as well (not reflux, but a dairy and soy allergy) and I learned to baby wear. Just keep meditating on the scriptures you know and comfort you as you go about your required daily tasks. And you will get through.
Hugs.