This is the post I never thought I would have to write.

See, I was a cocky mommy.  I had the whole “three kids” thing down pat.  I could get things done during the day and still be with my kids and still make dinner for the family and not fall asleep standing at the kitchen sink at 8:06pm.

Then Eddie came along.


I love Eddie.  I adore him.  I smother him in kisses and snuggles.  I cant stand being away from him.  He is beautiful and perfect and my sweet, precious baby.

But Eddie cries.

A lot.  I dont know why.  I have heard the term colicky being thrown around and refused to entertain the thought.

Not my baby.  My baby could never cry for no reason… I am super mom!  I would always be able to find a way to ease his discomfort and make things right.

But… and I am crying as I write this… I cant.  I cant always make things right.  Sometimes he just cries and I cant make it better.

And its killing me.

I think about him all the time.  I think if only I could hold him all day long and cuddle him and nurse him he would be happy.

But I cant.  I have three other kids and a husband and a home and I cant.

I just cant.  I cant make my baby ok and I cant be the mom I was to my kids before Eddie came along and I cant make dinners every night and I cant work out like I should be and I cant update my blog and I cant write those darn thank you notes sitting on my dresser half done and I cant keep up with laundry and I cant homeschool and I cant make my baby stop crying.

The guilt is overwhelming.  But I would take it all on and then some if I could just make my baby comfortable and happy.

So much of who I am is wrapped up into being a mother.  And if I cant do this, well, I just dont want to face those thoughts.

There a moments… hours even… of peace.  Where he drifts off into a blissful sleep.  And lately, there are even moments when he is awake and he will smile!  Where he will look into my eyes and lift up the side of his mouth like a mini Elvis.  His eyes will twinkle as he gazes into mine and I am renewed in those precious moments of love.

I covet those moments… they are whats keeping me going.

Right now, I am just tired.  And feeling like a failure.  And wishing I could make everything alright.  Just not knowing how.

I cannot tell you the struggle I have had in whether or not to share this.  To tell the world (or my little corner of it) is a fear I didnt even know I had!  But I selfishly just want to ask for a prayer.

If you have a moment, will you just pray for my little Eddie?


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Meet Amanda Rettke

Amanda Rettke is the creator of I Am Baker, and the bestselling author of Surprise Inside Cakes: Amazing Cakes for Every Occasion – With a Little Something Extra Inside.Over the course of her 15+ year blogging adventure, she has been featured in and collaborated with the Food Network, New York Times, LA Times, Country Living Magazine, People Magazine, Epicurious, Brides, Romantic Homes, life:beautiful, Publishers Weekly, The Daily Mail, Star Tribune, The Globe and Mail, DailyCandy, YumSugar, The Knot, The Kitchn, and Parade, to name a few.

Reader Comments

  1. After baby number four was born for some reason I found that the disrupted sleep, nursery/school runs and constant feeding just felt too hard. I don’t have family who will take the others out or watch baby while I have a nap or whatever. There came a point where I just felt exhausted.
    I think time is what helped. Once my little one wasn’t waking for a night feed and I was getting my full night’s sleep things got much, much better.
    My first was a very colic-y baby (I used to use those drops which really helped). The other thing is that I think some babies just love their mums so much that they want to be close ALL the time. My youngest was like this and so I used the front then back carrier sometimes just to be able to get stuff done.
    I think its just the amount of stuff you have going on. Things changed for me when I decided to stop trying to be supermum and accept I can only do the best I can in my circumstances. The expectations we put on ourselves as mums are huge.
    Go easy on yourself- you owe it to YOU to let things go. Let the others watch a DVD with some popcorn while you relax in the other room, take advantage of little man being asleep to RELAX not get housework done- you can do that with him on your front in a carrier- the relaxation is MUCH more important.
    Hope you’re feeling better soon. Take care. xx

  2. oh I wish I could hug you, I have so been there. My last daughter was in the hospital for 6 weeks and I kept telling myself that once I got her home it would be different because i would never let her out of my arms. then she came home and we had three other kids and a month later my husband left for 18 months. UGG, but can i tell you something, I have to fight to not love her more than my other blessings. i think more mom’s need to read this and understand this is mother hood and that you are still a amazing wonderful, LOVED mother. on another note, I wonder if he does not maybe have some reflux and have belly pains. I wish i could show you how the NICU taught us to burp our baby,

  3. Have you had his ears checked for an ear infection? Or ruled out anything medical? Our last one cried and cried and most of it was from ear infections and I didn’t even know it. I just thought she was being a difficult baby. Praying for you because I have been there.

  4. OH MY!!! I sat and read this post thinking the whole time, I have so been there. My fourth was the SAME way. I truly don’t know how I survived her first year. She never slept through the night and for the first six months or so cries ALL. THE. TIME. My best adive, try a chiropactor. I don’t use them had never been to one and thought it was weird. But out of desperation I finally took the advice of a friend and tried it. And it really helped. That was when we saw a decrease in her crying.
    It is so hard to watch them cry. You don’t want to leave the house because of the stares, the stress and the emotional strain you are under and yet you are dying for a change of scenery and something to take your mind off your misery. I am praying for you. I would be willing to chat with you more about our chiro experience if you would like. Take care and rest in HIS strength.

  5. Prayers to you and the little one. I’ve been there…my youngest did the same. Don’t doubt yourself as a mother. Those sleepless nights will someday pass (though it does not feel like it now) and the screaming does stop. Don’t forget to take care of yourself too & take people up on offers to help out…it doesn’t mean you have failed to accept some help from friends and family. There is some truth to the saying “It takes a village to raise a child”! God is with you in this too so draw strength from him.
    Hugs to you,

  6. My second son was miserable for the first month or two. He cried and screamed most of the time he was awake and would fall asleep in my arms only after screaming until he was exhausted. He even cried for long periods in the middle of the night. I was lucky to have a doctor who, when I mentioned it in passing thinking this was “normal” colic, wouldn’t let it go. We eventually came to the conclusion that he had silent reflux and was in terrible pain. I’m not exaggerating when I tell you that two weeks after being on medication he was 100% a different baby. Happy, content and easy going. I hope you get things figured out with your little guy. It’s awful when you can’t comfort them.

  7. My own “Eddie” is sitting across the livingroom from me (all 6’2″ of him), and I’m happy to report that he is happy and a lot of fun; you will both get through this. There is so much I could say, but I will just suggest that you step outside yourself and consider what you’d say to any other mom in your shoes, now that you know what it’s like. It’s not your fault. Your family will get through this. Meanwhile, try strapping him to your body in some way that allows your hands to be free, and ride it out. I will pray for Eddie, but also for you 🙂

  8. I had a colicky baby – my first daughter had it for the first three months of her life. I was fortunate enough to be home and my sister took me to her son’s pediatrician who immediately wrote a prescription for a medication that I was to give her before and after I nursed her. It was an absolute godsend. When I returned home to Iowa, my then husband even noticed the change in our daughter – who is now 27 btw! My thoughts and prayers are with you.

  9. oh, I am so sorry.
    I had one of those kids that screamed & screamed & then screamed until I heard him screaming when he was asleep. People will tell you to wear him, medicate him, breastfeed him, don’t breastfeed him, let him cry, pick him up, etc.
    My own assvice? Do whatever the hell works for you.
    The best piece of advice I got was from my pediatrician who said, “If he’s fed, dry, safe, & warm, put him in the crib for 15 minutes & walk away. Not enough time? Pick him up, hug him, make sure he’s still dry/safe/warm/fed & then walk away again.” Just the validation that I could walk away was what saved me sometimes. I couldn’t do a damn thing else for him, but I could help myself.
    Or sometimes I held him & counted minutes in fives. “I can do this for five minutes.” & I’d go to a weird happy place where there were bunnies & bathtubs & flowers & sparkling vampires or some shit for five minutes while I held him. Then I’d put him down, go take a shower for five minutes, then come back & hold him another five minutes. You can do anything for five minutes 🙂
    Hang in there. You’ve got this. The screaming will end, I promise – it may be at three months or six months or nine months, but it will happen. Our kiddo stopped around five months & while he’s definitely a more “sensitive” child than most, he is an absolute joy to be around & he loves his momma (despite me putting him down).

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