This is the post I never thought I would have to write.
See, I was a cocky mommy. I had the whole “three kids” thing down pat. I could get things done during the day and still be with my kids and still make dinner for the family and not fall asleep standing at the kitchen sink at 8:06pm.
Then Eddie came along.
I love Eddie. I adore him. I smother him in kisses and snuggles. I cant stand being away from him. He is beautiful and perfect and my sweet, precious baby.
But Eddie cries.
A lot. I dont know why. I have heard the term colicky being thrown around and refused to entertain the thought.
Not my baby. My baby could never cry for no reason… I am super mom! I would always be able to find a way to ease his discomfort and make things right.
But… and I am crying as I write this… I cant. I cant always make things right. Sometimes he just cries and I cant make it better.
And its killing me.
I think about him all the time. I think if only I could hold him all day long and cuddle him and nurse him he would be happy.
But I cant. I have three other kids and a husband and a home and I cant.
I just cant. I cant make my baby ok and I cant be the mom I was to my kids before Eddie came along and I cant make dinners every night and I cant work out like I should be and I cant update my blog and I cant write those darn thank you notes sitting on my dresser half done and I cant keep up with laundry and I cant homeschool and I cant make my baby stop crying.
The guilt is overwhelming. But I would take it all on and then some if I could just make my baby comfortable and happy.
So much of who I am is wrapped up into being a mother. And if I cant do this, well, I just dont want to face those thoughts.
There a moments… hours even… of peace. Where he drifts off into a blissful sleep. And lately, there are even moments when he is awake and he will smile! Where he will look into my eyes and lift up the side of his mouth like a mini Elvis. His eyes will twinkle as he gazes into mine and I am renewed in those precious moments of love.
I covet those moments… they are whats keeping me going.
Right now, I am just tired. And feeling like a failure. And wishing I could make everything alright. Just not knowing how.
I cannot tell you the struggle I have had in whether or not to share this. To tell the world (or my little corner of it) is a fear I didnt even know I had! But I selfishly just want to ask for a prayer.
If you have a moment, will you just pray for my little Eddie?
I hope things get better for you really soon, Amanda. If I were closer, I would offer you a hand so you could get some sleep. Remember, the beauty of take-out is that you don’t need to cook, and the house doesn’t need to be clean… no one will notice. Take care of yourself. xo
I hope things get better for you really soon, Amanda. If I were closer, I would offer you a hand so you could get some sleep. Remember, the beauty of take-out is that you don’t need to cook, and the house doesn’t need to be clean… no one will notice. Take care of yourself. xo
Found your blog a while back, love all your ideas and your kids are adorable! I’m only 18 but I’ve been a baby-person since I was probably 2 yrs old lol. I’m one of those that “can always make babies happy”, and I always get handed the crabby ones to make them stop crying. So I can relate with you! I’ve always imagined that my kids will be content and I’ll be able to comfort them, but now I see that might not be the case 🙂 (lesson in humblness maybe?? 🙂 ) I’ll be praying for you. For Eddie and that whatever is wrong, maybe tummyache, will quickly pass. That you wont feel guilty or horrible. That everything will turn for the better soon! You’re doing a great job! Take care, Cecilia
I came here from my friend Nancy, oh my, this so touched my heart. First let me say that my second son had colic and it was horrible, I completely understand. One thing I learned was that diet makes a difference. If you are breast feeding try cutting out anything that might be affecting him. If he is on formula maybe dairy doesn’t suit him. It is a process of ellimination and then adding back in. But it does pass. The second thing I learned is there is no such thing as Super Mom. You are tired and frustrated. It is understandable. Give yourself a break.
Hey sweet lady.
I’ve got you and Eddie in my prayers tonight.
Just try to relax and trust yourself that you are doing everything you can do…all babies are different and some babies just cry. He’ll get better and you’ll get more rest soon, I am sure of it!
2 Tim 1:7
Hi there,
I’ve been following along for awhile and never commented before, but your last post reminded me of something a missionary pastor’s wife told me. I was on church staff and helped tutor her kids, who were homeschooled. They were so smart and polite and well-groomed pretty much every day. She was one of those moms, like you, who knew how to bring organization, peace, polish and shine to everything because she was truly gifted for motherhood.
But she admitted at at a ladies’ meeting, after being overwhelmed by the arrival of her fourth child, that the Lord showed her how she had been able to mother her three children largely on her own abilities, but that the fourth one was special because now she was beyond her comfort zone. She had rely on God for wisdom, joy, and sheer strength more than she ever had before. She called that little one her “extra mile” baby, because she felt that God was helping to walk the extra mile in His service as a mother.
What she said stuck with me, and I promised to remember it again if I ever crossed the “three-child barrier” myself. I hope it encourages you that even though it really IS harder, you really WILL have all that you need for the extra mile when you’re walking with Him.
I’ve been in your shoes, or similar ones at least. It can be very stressful! I’ll keep you & Eddie in my prayers. I have heard good things about gripe water, might be worth giving it a try.
praying.
My first born had the classic colic symptoms and I felt that somehow I was poisoning him with my breast milk. He cried every night for the first four months of his life. My husband would walk the hall with him in the football hold for hours each night while I rested from caring for a newborn all day. My heart goes out to you during this time. Turns out he had celiac disease and my intuition that I was poisoning him was accurate despite what the doctor and everyone else was saying. He will be 21 this summer and I still remember those months and still feel inadequate. But it is because I didn’t listen to my heart that something was wrong, but deferred to experts. Hang in there and explore alternatives.
Praying. I understand feeling like a failure because it is hard to be great at everything with four little ones running around! My oldest is 5 and my youngest just turned 1. I am just starting to get back into my groove. It is a tough road, but you seem like an amazing mom! Trust God to get you through…