This is the post I never thought I would have to write.
See, I was a cocky mommy. Â I had the whole “three kids” thing down pat. Â I could get things done during the day and still be with my kids and still make dinner for the family and not fall asleep standing at the kitchen sink at 8:06pm.
Then Eddie came along.
I love Eddie. Â I adore him. Â I smother him in kisses and snuggles. Â I cant stand being away from him. Â He is beautiful and perfect and my sweet, precious baby.
But Eddie cries.
A lot. Â I dont know why. Â I have heard the term colicky being thrown around and refused to entertain the thought.
Not my baby. Â My baby could never cry for no reason… I am super mom! Â I would always be able to find a way to ease his discomfort and make things right.
But… and I am crying as I write this… I cant. Â I cant always make things right. Â Sometimes he just cries and I cant make it better.
And its killing me.
I think about him all the time. Â I think if only I could hold him all day long and cuddle him and nurse him he would be happy.
But I cant. Â I have three other kids and a husband and a home and I cant.
I just cant.  I cant make my baby ok and I cant be the mom I was to my kids before Eddie came along and I cant make dinners every night and I cant work out like I should be and I cant update my blog and I cant write those darn thank you notes sitting on my dresser half done and I cant keep up with laundry and I cant homeschool and I cant make my baby stop crying.
The guilt is overwhelming. Â But I would take it all on and then some if I could just make my baby comfortable and happy.
So much of who I am is wrapped up into being a mother. Â And if I cant do this, well, I just dont want to face those thoughts.
There a moments… hours even… of peace. Â Where he drifts off into a blissful sleep. Â And lately, there are even moments when he is awake and he will smile! Â Where he will look into my eyes and lift up the side of his mouth like a mini Elvis. Â His eyes will twinkle as he gazes into mine and I am renewed in those precious moments of love.
I covet those moments… they are whats keeping me going.
Right now, I am just tired. Â And feeling like a failure. Â And wishing I could make everything alright. Â Just not knowing how.
I cannot tell you the struggle I have had in whether or not to share this. Â To tell the world (or my little corner of it) is a fear I didnt even know I had! Â But I selfishly just want to ask for a prayer.
If you have a moment, will you just pray for my little Eddie?
Hi there! This has got to be tough!! Nancy asked that I drop in. My good friend just recently went through this, too. Here is the link to my FB page and where I posed the question to my readers:
http://www.facebook.com/lexieskitchen#!/lexieskitchen/posts/177372915647229
See if that helps as you look for answers.
Great blog. How do you find the time?! I have two and can barely keep up. Funny how it’s another commitment, but therapy at the same time 🙂
Hugs,
Lexie
Praying for you! I have been right where you are. I used to hold my baby in one hand and a hair dryer in the other. It was the only thing that would get him to stop. He is now a rambunctious 5 year old and soon Eddie will be there too!
((Hugs))! I know you’re getting all kinds of support and advice. I havent read through all of them to know if someone has already said this or not, but I’ve heard gripe water is great! Also a warmed up rice bag on his tummy could help too. Here is a tutorial on making one and it explains it a little more, but really you can put the rice in a sock and tie it off, no sewing at all!
http://familyoffarmers.blogspot.com/2010/08/baby-belly-bag-tutorial.html
I’ll be praying for you both!!
AngieN24
As so many others, I’ve been there as well. My #4 baby cried and cried all the time. It seemed never ending. But it wasn’t.
Hang in there!
Prayers for peace during this rough patch.
It’s too much — you’re trying for too much. Please let some things go for now. The prioritizing will have to be yours, but please do it. And please make sure you’re getting sleep, however or whenever you can. I have a toddler, so I remember — you can’t be your best if you’re not getting enough sleep. Best of luck.
Oh, Amanda…I’m sorry. I don’t have wise words or fabulous suggestions, I wish I did, but I don’t. Just hang in there…these days are so tough, so all consuming and exhausting, but this too, shall pass.
It’s so difficult, when you are sleep deprived, to handle anything outside of perfect…but perfection is just around the corner. It’ll be there waiting for you when you get your feet back under you and some sleep under your belt!
Definitely! Wow, that has to be so hard since he can’t tell you what is wrong. With your love, he will make it through this time, but it must be so hard for both of you right now.
Just stumbled onto this blog. I have been there. My son would cry like clockwork every night for three hours. He would fall asleep and then wake at 1:00 am and cry some more. I was worn out and my husband was in the Navy and wasn’t around to help. I rember crying one day and praying asking God what to do. I had tried everything. Then a thought popped into my head that said “You are doing everything you have to do by loving him, nothing more is needed.” Eventually the colic phase passed but I’ll never forget that.
You are doing everything your supposed to with your love. Nothing more is needed.
My heart hurts. And that’s what friends are for – to lean on, to lighten your burden. I am praying for beautiful little Eddie and for you. Love and hugs to you, my sweet friend.
Girl. I am in your boat – only without the crying. No wait. I am in your boat – only mine just wants to be held. But I can’t either. I too, have 3 other kids, a hubs, two jobs and a house. And now? Now I need a nanny. Or something! Because I too, can’t. But yet we can because right now is when we need to repeat to ourselves “God will give us NOTHING that we cannot bear.” Nothing.
I received a major boost the other day by a mere seven words spoken to me by my hubs: “I don’t know how you do it” after leaving him alone with the four of them….for an HOUR. Sweet words to my ears, and confidence to say “hey, I guess I AM doing it!”
Take each moment and enjoy it. I’ve found it helpful to think of the future – the future when SOMEDAY we will actually MISS this chaos. We will MISS the messy house because of what the messy house represents – our beautiful kids. And they won’t be here to mess it up for much longer.
Hang in there – you can do it. You’re a great mommy. Praying for you!