This is the post I never thought I would have to write.
See, I was a cocky mommy. I had the whole “three kids” thing down pat. I could get things done during the day and still be with my kids and still make dinner for the family and not fall asleep standing at the kitchen sink at 8:06pm.
Then Eddie came along.
I love Eddie. I adore him. I smother him in kisses and snuggles. I cant stand being away from him. He is beautiful and perfect and my sweet, precious baby.
But Eddie cries.
A lot. I dont know why. I have heard the term colicky being thrown around and refused to entertain the thought.
Not my baby. My baby could never cry for no reason… I am super mom! I would always be able to find a way to ease his discomfort and make things right.
But… and I am crying as I write this… I cant. I cant always make things right. Sometimes he just cries and I cant make it better.
And its killing me.
I think about him all the time. I think if only I could hold him all day long and cuddle him and nurse him he would be happy.
But I cant. I have three other kids and a husband and a home and I cant.
I just cant. I cant make my baby ok and I cant be the mom I was to my kids before Eddie came along and I cant make dinners every night and I cant work out like I should be and I cant update my blog and I cant write those darn thank you notes sitting on my dresser half done and I cant keep up with laundry and I cant homeschool and I cant make my baby stop crying.
The guilt is overwhelming. But I would take it all on and then some if I could just make my baby comfortable and happy.
So much of who I am is wrapped up into being a mother. And if I cant do this, well, I just dont want to face those thoughts.
There a moments… hours even… of peace. Where he drifts off into a blissful sleep. And lately, there are even moments when he is awake and he will smile! Where he will look into my eyes and lift up the side of his mouth like a mini Elvis. His eyes will twinkle as he gazes into mine and I am renewed in those precious moments of love.
I covet those moments… they are whats keeping me going.
Right now, I am just tired. And feeling like a failure. And wishing I could make everything alright. Just not knowing how.
I cannot tell you the struggle I have had in whether or not to share this. To tell the world (or my little corner of it) is a fear I didnt even know I had! But I selfishly just want to ask for a prayer.
If you have a moment, will you just pray for my little Eddie?
May peace and light flow over and through you both, Amanda & Eddie!
And thank you for so honestly sharing this. My first born cried like this, and we tried everything. I ended up with severe post partum depression, and he finally grew out of it – thankfully!
To this day I think this is why I have only ever managed to have the one child. Because I felt so inadequate as a mommy.
This is a sucky time, but it WILL get better! (HUGS)
From what I have read on your blog I think your an amazing person and I think you are an amazing mom. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers!! Just keep smiling! =)
Hi. I read your baking blog a lot. We’re very different but we’re both mothers, and from out here in internet-land, I think you are doing a wonderful job.
You are not doing it wrong. I promise.
Eddie will be OK. You will be OK. Your other kids will be OK. Your husband will be OK.
Huge hugs. And prayers, too.
Amanda, Prayers to you and your family. You are not alone by any means! You are an amazing mommy and your kids are lucky to have you! With time this too shall pass….and it will all be just a mere memory as you resume your great ability to juggle “life”. Heads up love!
This touched my heart. My second daughter screamed for three solid hours every night for the first 8 weeks of her life regardless if she was being held, had just eaten, etc. Sometimes I think they just need to cry. It is frustrating to say the least. You are a good mommy. You will make it to the other side. You are doing the best you can for your family. You go, girl!
Please, please, please, don’t be discouraged. You are not alone in this. I feel the pain you are experiancing and it will get better. Utilize all the support you can get. And perfection is something only you can’t see, others think you are doing a wonderful job. (the only thing that might help is Happiest Baby on the Block, but I hesitate to offer any advice as each baby is so different) Love your baby, cry with him, laugh with him and know others are thinking of you through this time.
From a mother of two who suffered post-partum depression from a series of tragic events and still struggles with it two years later, God will watch out for you.
Oh Amanda! ((HUG)) I will absolutely pray for both of you! My first was like this but her’s ended up being reflux. Do you have something that you could babywear with? It would allow you to be hands free and he would get comfort from being “held”. If you have any questions about which ones are good you can email me. Hang in there!
I know how you feel. My friends baby would scream for about 22 hrs a day. The only thing that would make him stop was the vacuum and gripe water. I am praying for you both.
First of all I commend you for writing this and being so honest. There is nothing like mother’s guilt. It can eat away at us like nothing else. I have to boys and they are now 17 and 21. However I dealt with many of the things you described. Like a few of your commenters noted it was what I was eating and passing through the breast milk that bothered them. Gluten and dairy. I remember at the time I had a baby hot water bottle and would give them drops for upset stomach. No one ever told me it could be something I was eating. I would have eaten pickles every day if I thought it was the best thing for them. Now that I know however it is something I will pass along to every mother.
You can play around with taking foods out of your diet and see how he reacts. Give it a week for each food and see. You may just find the combo that works for you and for Eddie.
Just remember that you are an amazing mom who loves her children very much and I’m guessing they know that. There is no better gift a parent can give a child.
Oh sweetheart…I’ve been there….only, it was my second & not my 4th. It was then that my husband learned to do laundry, dishes, & many other things that previously only I did. It was also the deciding factor (for him) that two kids was completing our family. It’s hard…and right now, it seems like it will never end…but it will…did you see my boy on Tuesday? That’s proof. Hang in there…I wish I would have read this before I saw you this week, I’d of totally squeezed you harder & told you how amazing you are!!! It will get easier!! xoxoxo