This is the post I never thought I would have to write.

See, I was a cocky mommy.  I had the whole “three kids” thing down pat.  I could get things done during the day and still be with my kids and still make dinner for the family and not fall asleep standing at the kitchen sink at 8:06pm.

Then Eddie came along.

Eddie

I love Eddie.  I adore him.  I smother him in kisses and snuggles.  I cant stand being away from him.  He is beautiful and perfect and my sweet, precious baby.

But Eddie cries.

A lot.  I dont know why.  I have heard the term colicky being thrown around and refused to entertain the thought.

Not my baby.  My baby could never cry for no reason… I am super mom!  I would always be able to find a way to ease his discomfort and make things right.

But… and I am crying as I write this… I cant.  I cant always make things right.  Sometimes he just cries and I cant make it better.

And its killing me.

I think about him all the time.  I think if only I could hold him all day long and cuddle him and nurse him he would be happy.

But I cant.  I have three other kids and a husband and a home and I cant.

I just cant.  I cant make my baby ok and I cant be the mom I was to my kids before Eddie came along and I cant make dinners every night and I cant work out like I should be and I cant update my blog and I cant write those darn thank you notes sitting on my dresser half done and I cant keep up with laundry and I cant homeschool and I cant make my baby stop crying.

The guilt is overwhelming.  But I would take it all on and then some if I could just make my baby comfortable and happy.

So much of who I am is wrapped up into being a mother.  And if I cant do this, well, I just dont want to face those thoughts.

There a moments… hours even… of peace.  Where he drifts off into a blissful sleep.  And lately, there are even moments when he is awake and he will smile!  Where he will look into my eyes and lift up the side of his mouth like a mini Elvis.  His eyes will twinkle as he gazes into mine and I am renewed in those precious moments of love.

I covet those moments… they are whats keeping me going.

Right now, I am just tired.  And feeling like a failure.  And wishing I could make everything alright.  Just not knowing how.

I cannot tell you the struggle I have had in whether or not to share this.  To tell the world (or my little corner of it) is a fear I didnt even know I had!  But I selfishly just want to ask for a prayer.

If you have a moment, will you just pray for my little Eddie?

 

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Meet Amanda Rettke

Amanda Rettke is the creator of I Am Baker, and the bestselling author of Surprise Inside Cakes: Amazing Cakes for Every Occasion – With a Little Something Extra Inside.Over the course of her 15+ year blogging adventure, she has been featured in and collaborated with the Food Network, New York Times, LA Times, Country Living Magazine, People Magazine, Epicurious, Brides, Romantic Homes, life:beautiful, Publishers Weekly, The Daily Mail, Star Tribune, The Globe and Mail, DailyCandy, YumSugar, The Knot, The Kitchn, and Parade, to name a few.

Reader Comments

  1. I cried as I read your post because I could have written it myself verbatim! My daughter was born on May 25 and she too, cries. A LOT, sometimes for HOURS. There is literally, nothing we haven’t tried and the same thing doesn’t always work from one day (or hour) to the next.
    I have cried right along with her -there were days I’m sure I cried more than her. She is our first and only and this has caused me to seriously question my ability to parent my daughter. I mean, my husband and I are educated and intelligent, why can’t we make her feel better?
    You sound so much like me. My daughter is now 8 weeks old and I am still struggling with the list of things that aren’t done. I have thank you notes to write for gifts we were given before our daughter was born; we moved to a new house 1 month before she was born and I haven’t unpacked my clothes yet, I’m living out of boxes; our dog is overdue for her shots and I’m behind in paying my bills. I don’t have time to do any of the things I used to and that bothers me too. So, I can totally sympathize.
    I’m sorry for such a long post, but I really appreciate your honesty. It is SO HARD to admit what you did, and I too felt guilty for saying such things out loud. But as you can see by all the supportive comments you’ve received, you are not alone and you are still a great mother. My best advice is to take it easy on yourself and try not to beat yourself up. I know, it is easier said than done as the guilt you feel can be all consuming.
    We have found a few products that helped calm our daughter: Gripe Water, Colic Calm, and gas drops. We would be totally lost without them! We bought a “Happy Tummi” waistband that helps sometimes too. We learned she preferred to sleep in her bouncer or car seat. It seemed to make her less fussy. I wear her in a Moby wrap (when she will let me) and I can get some stuff done around the house.
    I feel so bad for you right now but know that I am going through this right along with you. I hope things start to improve for you SOON. I admire you for your candor and hope you will update us with Eddie’s progress in the future.

  2. Thank you!!! My oldest colicky for 7 months baby is 6. And my second colicky baby for 6 months is 2. Having a colicky baby is one of the worst feelings in the world. It was very isolating & overwhelming. Thank you for writing this post. I too cried while reading it.

    Your little Olivia is a doll. Congratulations!!!

  3. I just read this (I follow you on Instagram as a fellow cake mad mum), I know it was years ago, but I just wanted to say I’m sorry no one commented then. And also to say how long ago it must seem now. And that I don’t know you, and I’ve only read two blog posts but it’s clear that you’re doing a great job and that you were then also. That is all. Love from a fellow mum in nz

    Ha. Just about to post and seen you did get lots of lovely responses after all. Well it still stands (most of it)!

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