This is the post I never thought I would have to write.

See, I was a cocky mommy.  I had the whole “three kids” thing down pat.  I could get things done during the day and still be with my kids and still make dinner for the family and not fall asleep standing at the kitchen sink at 8:06pm.

Then Eddie came along.

Eddie

I love Eddie.  I adore him.  I smother him in kisses and snuggles.  I cant stand being away from him.  He is beautiful and perfect and my sweet, precious baby.

But Eddie cries.

A lot.  I dont know why.  I have heard the term colicky being thrown around and refused to entertain the thought.

Not my baby.  My baby could never cry for no reason… I am super mom!  I would always be able to find a way to ease his discomfort and make things right.

But… and I am crying as I write this… I cant.  I cant always make things right.  Sometimes he just cries and I cant make it better.

And its killing me.

I think about him all the time.  I think if only I could hold him all day long and cuddle him and nurse him he would be happy.

But I cant.  I have three other kids and a husband and a home and I cant.

I just cant.  I cant make my baby ok and I cant be the mom I was to my kids before Eddie came along and I cant make dinners every night and I cant work out like I should be and I cant update my blog and I cant write those darn thank you notes sitting on my dresser half done and I cant keep up with laundry and I cant homeschool and I cant make my baby stop crying.

The guilt is overwhelming.  But I would take it all on and then some if I could just make my baby comfortable and happy.

So much of who I am is wrapped up into being a mother.  And if I cant do this, well, I just dont want to face those thoughts.

There a moments… hours even… of peace.  Where he drifts off into a blissful sleep.  And lately, there are even moments when he is awake and he will smile!  Where he will look into my eyes and lift up the side of his mouth like a mini Elvis.  His eyes will twinkle as he gazes into mine and I am renewed in those precious moments of love.

I covet those moments… they are whats keeping me going.

Right now, I am just tired.  And feeling like a failure.  And wishing I could make everything alright.  Just not knowing how.

I cannot tell you the struggle I have had in whether or not to share this.  To tell the world (or my little corner of it) is a fear I didnt even know I had!  But I selfishly just want to ask for a prayer.

If you have a moment, will you just pray for my little Eddie?

 

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Meet Amanda Rettke

Amanda Rettke is the creator of I Am Baker, and the bestselling author of Surprise Inside Cakes: Amazing Cakes for Every Occasion – With a Little Something Extra Inside.Over the course of her 15+ year blogging adventure, she has been featured in and collaborated with the Food Network, New York Times, LA Times, Country Living Magazine, People Magazine, Epicurious, Brides, Romantic Homes, life:beautiful, Publishers Weekly, The Daily Mail, Star Tribune, The Globe and Mail, DailyCandy, YumSugar, The Knot, The Kitchn, and Parade, to name a few.

Reader Comments

  1. Been there. For us it was Dairy. I was nursing and had to give up ALL dairy, every trace from every food. After three weeks my baby and my world changed and life became good again. He was my fifth child. No Doctor will ever tell you that the cause of colic is dairy, but very often it really is. It caused frightening reflux symptoms in my child and endless crying. Its hard to change your entire life’s eating habits but it can be done and the change was so good for us, but it took a full three weeks after total dairy abstinence. I often ate different meals than the rest of the family. Prayer is necessary and so very comforting, but… very often we need to do something more. Read up on Dairy allergy symptoms, then look on your shelves and see that most things contain some form or derivative of dairy. I know that every mother will have a new piece of advice or a new allergy that they feel causes colic, but through prayer and some research, you can discover what will best help you and your baby… good luck, I hope it gets better soon.

  2. My heart and prayers go out to you and little Eddie. My mom has operated a daycare for many many years. Her trick of the trade has always been to let the little colicky ones sleep in their car seats. Being proped up in this position seems to help with their symptoms. They also feel safe and snug rather than lost in a bigger bed. You are doing a fabulous job as one think is clear, you love your babies. I’ll be pulling for you!

  3. I just gave birth to my SEVENTH baby– and she CRIED or was fussy all the time! She was VERY colicky. My doctor told me to try eliminating all DAIRY from my diet. She said that it takes 3 weeks for dairy to be completely eliminated from your breast milk.
    I can’t tell you the AMAZING difference it has made. 3 weeks after stopping dairy I have a different baby. Just thought I’d pass this along… good luck!
    Here is the post I wrote about “colic”…
    http://toddnjenifermoss.blogspot.com/2011/05/colic.html

  4. Have you ever considered taking your son to the Chiropractor? A friend of mine was having similar troubles with her little girl and she took him to a doctor, her baby got adjusted and three days later, she slept through the night! Just a thought… Just thought i would pass along something that worked for her!

  5. Oh I completely understand what you are going through. I am a 1st time Mom who is a perfectionist at everything. My baby would cry so much, hardly sleep, & up most of the night for the first 3-4 months of his life. I felt guilty because I had no more time for church (sing solos every Sunday and couples ministry), and I felt almost dead going on 2 hours sleep a night. I couldn’t even be 5 feet away from him without him crying. He had bad reflux and colic (mild case probably). And we switched him to a thicker formula with rice protein. Helped with reflux but he still had separation issues, and wouldn’t sit in the carseat without screaming, I couldn’t drive anywhere. It was seriously rough. I’ve never told anybody out of guilt, because my husband and I battled infertility for years and prayed so much for him and went through a lot of procedures to get here. So it’s been a long road, but so happy to say that it gets better, that stage is over and at 8 months he sleeps through the night (12 hrs) wakes up happy laughing and playing in his bed, tolerates the car, and will play on his own a little giving me time to myself. Which is how I managed to find your page. I started baking (always loved it but no time) and your baking page inspired me.
    A good friend of ours brother was just killed in Afghanistan and I wanted to make something special as a tribute to his life, and I made your ruffle flag cake (just 10 layers lol) it came out beautiful! I made them pasta and took it over there yesterday and they were so blessed and so thrilled with the cake, they took tons of pictures and they were amazed when the cut unto it and saw the flag!!!
    Sorry to take up your time with my rambling, but just wanted to say thank you for the time you post on your blog and inspiration. And to let u know that I understand having a baby that isn’t “easy” like everybody else’s. But it gets better and God is control. I always say “He must have known I could handle this better than anyone else” and I keep trusting Him! God bless 🙂

  6. You don’t know me, but I have been in your shoes. My second child, Juliana, was just as you described your Eddie. I felt the same exact way that you did. It seems like it will last forever, but it won’t. I promise you, it won’t. It’s hard, I’ve been there. I’ve cried and cried and cried. I don’t even remember when it got easier to be honest- she’s 2 now and she’s still a challenge. One of the things that helped with us a bit was the miracle blanket- it won’t make the crying stop all the time, but it will give you some relief once in a while. I’ll be praying for you and if you ever want to talk via email to someone who has been there- drop me a line, because like I’ve said, I’ve been there.

  7. I am so sorry you are having such a difficult time with Eddie! Fussy babies are more common than you know, and by no means does that mean you aren’t still a super mom! One thing I have noticed that helps a lot, especially with fussy or colicky babies, is swaddling. Swaddling can increase the amount and quality of sleep your baby is getting. Until recently, swaddling simply meant wrapping your baby tightly in a blanket to restrict his or her movements. However, my girlfriends and I found that TrueWomb has a swaddle that allows baby to move his or her arms up and down (but not out). It also allows them to kick out, and then the unique fabric gently returns their legs to the fetal position, perfectly mimicking the womb! The testimonials on this product are so compelling… great results. Hope this helps you and other parents trying to help a fussy baby get the rest he needs!

  8. My 2-month-old is a complete screamer! All the time!! With my first baby, we were all about the 5 S’s from Happiest Baby on the Block and they worked like a charm. This baby, not so much. Oftentimes the only way I can get my 2-month-old screamer to calm down is to wear him. I use a Moby Wrap at home and a Baby Hawk outside of the home. I read somewhere that babies who are carried/worn cry almost 50% less than those who are not. Some time has passed since you first posted this, so hopefully you’ve had some relief. Good luck!

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