This is the post I never thought I would have to write.

See, I was a cocky mommy.  I had the whole “three kids” thing down pat.  I could get things done during the day and still be with my kids and still make dinner for the family and not fall asleep standing at the kitchen sink at 8:06pm.

Then Eddie came along.


I love Eddie.  I adore him.  I smother him in kisses and snuggles.  I cant stand being away from him.  He is beautiful and perfect and my sweet, precious baby.

But Eddie cries.

A lot.  I dont know why.  I have heard the term colicky being thrown around and refused to entertain the thought.

Not my baby.  My baby could never cry for no reason… I am super mom!  I would always be able to find a way to ease his discomfort and make things right.

But… and I am crying as I write this… I cant.  I cant always make things right.  Sometimes he just cries and I cant make it better.

And its killing me.

I think about him all the time.  I think if only I could hold him all day long and cuddle him and nurse him he would be happy.

But I cant.  I have three other kids and a husband and a home and I cant.

I just cant.  I cant make my baby ok and I cant be the mom I was to my kids before Eddie came along and I cant make dinners every night and I cant work out like I should be and I cant update my blog and I cant write those darn thank you notes sitting on my dresser half done and I cant keep up with laundry and I cant homeschool and I cant make my baby stop crying.

The guilt is overwhelming.  But I would take it all on and then some if I could just make my baby comfortable and happy.

So much of who I am is wrapped up into being a mother.  And if I cant do this, well, I just dont want to face those thoughts.

There a moments… hours even… of peace.  Where he drifts off into a blissful sleep.  And lately, there are even moments when he is awake and he will smile!  Where he will look into my eyes and lift up the side of his mouth like a mini Elvis.  His eyes will twinkle as he gazes into mine and I am renewed in those precious moments of love.

I covet those moments… they are whats keeping me going.

Right now, I am just tired.  And feeling like a failure.  And wishing I could make everything alright.  Just not knowing how.

I cannot tell you the struggle I have had in whether or not to share this.  To tell the world (or my little corner of it) is a fear I didnt even know I had!  But I selfishly just want to ask for a prayer.

If you have a moment, will you just pray for my little Eddie?


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Meet Amanda Rettke

Amanda Rettke is the creator of I Am Baker, and the bestselling author of Surprise Inside Cakes: Amazing Cakes for Every Occasion – With a Little Something Extra Inside.Over the course of her 15+ year blogging adventure, she has been featured in and collaborated with the Food Network, New York Times, LA Times, Country Living Magazine, People Magazine, Epicurious, Brides, Romantic Homes, life:beautiful, Publishers Weekly, The Daily Mail, Star Tribune, The Globe and Mail, DailyCandy, YumSugar, The Knot, The Kitchn, and Parade, to name a few.

Reader Comments

  1. poor thing. I had that never ending crying baby. 🙁 We started using Humphrey’s#3 and that seemed to help a bit.(I do know that you should trust your mommy senses on this one. If you feel something is wrong that needs medical attention don’t hesitate to pursue it.) The one thing I can say is there is no such thing as “no reason”, sometimes we just don’t have the ability to understand what the reason is. AND to give you hope that there can be a peaceful, happy child at the end of this- my “town crier” is our sunshine girl, the rarley moody full of giggles and laughter young lady. It is SO NOT SELFISH to ask for prayer and you know I’d pray for you anytime!! We will pray for you and your family. Blessings and His peace to you!

  2. Hey, Amanda.
    I spoke with Gianna the other day and she told me you were struggling. So sorry to hear it! But what an out-pouring of love and support you have here.
    The sermon last Sunday was about the God Who SEES. And I know HE sees you even now. HE knows the struggle. And HE will carry you through.
    And to make you smile, I have to tell you I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately. I’ve been fighting a cold, which means I’ve been sneezing A.LOT. And ever since I read your post about the ‘problem’ we mothers have with sneezing, well, I think of you every time I sneeze! *grin*
    Love to you, my friend. Keep your eyes on the ONE who is your strength.

  3. From one mama to another – this too shall pass. My youngest came into this world screaming and didn’t stop screaming at me for almost 4 months. I remember the days and nights and wee early mornings of bouncing on a ball, taking car rides at 3 in the morning. And when she fell asleep everyone was instructed not to move for fear she would awake and resume her wailing. I breastfed for 9 months and I took everything out of my diet, no wheat, no dairy, no caffine, which meant (no cheese, coffee, chocolate, bread, pasta) you get the idea. And it did help. And then one day she stopped. And life was a little bit more “normal”. It will all be o.k. But you know that. Hugs, Leah M.

  4. Hi Amanda! I`m sorry you`re going through this, my first baby had some colics, and I found out it was because of me! I was breast feeding her and some things I ate made her colicky. I couldn`t eat chocolate or anything sour like lemon, strawberry… My second baby was born last wednesday and she`s not colicky at all, but I`m paying more attention to what I eat. Althou I`m struggling with myself and I felt just like u, like I wasn`t able to take care of my two babies, cause my oldest is only 1 and a half year old. How do u do it? I wish I could be 2 and hang out with both, I just wish my daughter won`t feel abandon now aftere the baby was born so it`s hard. she is a llittle jealous too.
    Anyway I prayed for u guys!
    Blessings from Brazil!

  5. Amanda, I am so sorry you and Eddie are experiencing this. Both of my children had similar issues. Our son had reflux and our daughter other digestive issues.
    We found the Dr Harvey Karp “Happiest Baby on the Block” techniques very helpful. Also with our daughter we took her to our chiropractor (Dr. Chris Singer in Detroit Lakes, MN) we learned her neck and lower back were out of place. It was the best money we ever spent. One adjustment and she was a different, content child. It was a bit scary taking an infant to a chiropractor even though we know him very well but we didn’t know what else to try for her.
    Hang in there. I remember well telling myself, “I can make it through this hour.” And then, “I can make it through this night.” And so on. I will pray for you and your family.

  6. Oh, I am so sorry Amanda! I agree with the dairy/allergy comments and also wanted to suggest a swing. My son had a dairy allergy but I never knew until after he was weaned. My Doc kept saying it was “a laundry problem, not a digestive problem” (I should say, “former Doc”) but that kid would projectile vomit all the time and he also screamed like crazy. I would hand him off to my husband as soon as he walked in the door from work – and more often that not, around 3pm I would be calling him, hysterically crying and begging him to come home because I just couldn’t take it anymore! The baby swing was major in helping him sleep, though, and we used the Fisher Price aquarium one. It was the only thing that helped. If I had known about the dairy thing earlier, I think that would have made a huge difference. He was our first baby and we just trusted the Pediatrician, but I wish I had known how many people had the same experience back then, it would have helped. So I hope nothing serious is wrong and that it’s something you can fix with some adjustment to diet or routine. Hugs and prayers, Shannon

  7. Hi, this is my first time stopping by, and I don’t know how old your baby is, but my cousin’s baby did the same thing … finally diagnosed with Sensory Integration issues. The county is supplying an in-home physical therapist and it is helping massively. Just something you might want to read up on. Well, if you have time. I’m so sorry I can’t come over right now and vacuum, do laundry, and put dinner on the table. Good luck.

  8. I stumbled upon your postings and wanted to leave a comment. I have a 4 month old, who for the first 2 months of his life, wouldn’t stop crying. It was awful and so upsetting. I too, felt like such a failure. Ultimately, we figured out he had painful acid reflux and we started him on Biogaia probiotics. Those things are amazing!!!!

  9. Amanda-
    My heart aches for you. I have never had any children but I can understand your feelings of failure. I usually read your blogs but rarely leave comments. However, I want to leave this comment because I want to encourage you. Your blogs, especially this one, are an encouragement to me. I appreciate your transparency, your love for Christ, and your love for your family. It’s funny, hopefully not in a “oh my gosh, this fan is turning into a stalker” way, but my husband and I are moving to the Twin Cities from San Antonio, TX. My step daughter lives in MN and we finally have the opportunity to be with her. God has made it clear to us that He is guiding us and leading the way…but it is hard to go to a new place in which you do not know anyone. This is all to say that knowing that you are in the same vicinity helps me move. I think, “well, even though I don’t KNOW Amanda, I still kinda know her. And well, she lives up there.” So it’s like I know someone up there:)
    I was reading through the Psalms today in my quite time and I came across something that I want to pass on to my step daughter and any other future children I have.
    Psalm 112 1-8
    Praise the Lord! How joyful are those who fear the Lord and delight in obeying his commands. Their children will be successful everywhere; an entire generation of godly people will be blessed.
    They themselves will be wealthy, and their good deeds will last forever. Light shines in the darkness for the godly. THey are generous, compassionate, and righteous. Good comes to those who lend money generously and conduct their business fairly. Such people will not be overcome by evil. Those who are righteous will be long remembered. They do not fear bad news.; they confidently trust the Lord to care for them. They are confident and fearless and can face their foes triumphantly.
    I see that you will bless your children due to the way you delight in following Christ. You also give generously to others. God will take care of you and Eddie. Do not fear your abilities or lack there of. You are in my prayers!

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