This is the post I never thought I would have to write.
See, I was a cocky mommy. Â I had the whole “three kids” thing down pat. Â I could get things done during the day and still be with my kids and still make dinner for the family and not fall asleep standing at the kitchen sink at 8:06pm.
Then Eddie came along.
I love Eddie. Â I adore him. Â I smother him in kisses and snuggles. Â I cant stand being away from him. Â He is beautiful and perfect and my sweet, precious baby.
But Eddie cries.
A lot. Â I dont know why. Â I have heard the term colicky being thrown around and refused to entertain the thought.
Not my baby. Â My baby could never cry for no reason… I am super mom! Â I would always be able to find a way to ease his discomfort and make things right.
But… and I am crying as I write this… I cant. Â I cant always make things right. Â Sometimes he just cries and I cant make it better.
And its killing me.
I think about him all the time. Â I think if only I could hold him all day long and cuddle him and nurse him he would be happy.
But I cant. Â I have three other kids and a husband and a home and I cant.
I just cant.  I cant make my baby ok and I cant be the mom I was to my kids before Eddie came along and I cant make dinners every night and I cant work out like I should be and I cant update my blog and I cant write those darn thank you notes sitting on my dresser half done and I cant keep up with laundry and I cant homeschool and I cant make my baby stop crying.
The guilt is overwhelming. Â But I would take it all on and then some if I could just make my baby comfortable and happy.
So much of who I am is wrapped up into being a mother. Â And if I cant do this, well, I just dont want to face those thoughts.
There a moments… hours even… of peace. Â Where he drifts off into a blissful sleep. Â And lately, there are even moments when he is awake and he will smile! Â Where he will look into my eyes and lift up the side of his mouth like a mini Elvis. Â His eyes will twinkle as he gazes into mine and I am renewed in those precious moments of love.
I covet those moments… they are whats keeping me going.
Right now, I am just tired. Â And feeling like a failure. Â And wishing I could make everything alright. Â Just not knowing how.
I cannot tell you the struggle I have had in whether or not to share this. Â To tell the world (or my little corner of it) is a fear I didnt even know I had! Â But I selfishly just want to ask for a prayer.
If you have a moment, will you just pray for my little Eddie?
Our #5 was like that- I remember feeling like a pro until her. She cried for a couple months, for no reason. We were miserable, because we couldn’t fix it. And then one day we were like, hey remember when Mia cried all the time? and realized it was over.
You’ll get through it, and you’ll do great.
Oh, Amanda! I have tears in my eyes and I am praying for you as I write this. My first was like that. We honestly questioned whether we would have any more children. There were days when he literally screamed from waking in the morning until he finally passed out from exhaustion at an absurdly late hour of the night.
Many a night, my husband would arrive home from work and I would literally hand my son to him and RUN out the door. To walk around the block (alone!), to grocery shop, to just sit in the yard in the quiet, to do anything at all that didn’t involve a screaming child.
I’m sure you’ve already been through the questions, but I’ll put it out there anyways. Is there any chance he has reflux or anything going on? Since this was our first, we had no idea that babies weren’t really supposed to spit up like fountains all day every single day! LOL now in hindsight, but at the time… oh, what craziness it was.
You will get through this. He will smile more and everyone will fall into an easy routine again. Prayers are surrounding you from so many people tonight!
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It is so awful – I did not experience it myself with my son, but watched several friends go through it. A good friend of mine created a fabulous resource for exactly this, a website called http://www.thefussybabysite.com. It has helped hundreds, thousands of women going through this. I would highly recommend it for encouragement and help.
Just so you know, the fact that his crying DOES bother you means that you are a good mommy. If his crying didn’t bother you, then I think you should be concerned.
I have a friend whose baby was gassy. Will the docs let you give him anything to try to get some gas out of him? (I’m sure you and the docs have tried lots of stuff!)
Will pray that he starts having more blissful “Elvis” moments! 🙂 I know it is frustrating, but it’s those moments that make being a mommy worth it all! 🙂
My baby was like Eddie and even 17 years later I can so vividly recall every feeling behind every word you say. It makes my heart ache right along with yours. I felt like such a complete failure.
I will pray hard and often and call on our loving Lord to reach His hands to your shoulders, and hold you tight in your fear and worry. I’ll pray for some resolution to Eddie’s tears, for you to rest and relax, to be filled with peace.
Amanda, my heart is aching for you as I read this. I will most definitely be praying for you and also for little Eddie. My 4th and last child was just like this. She cried whenever she wasn’t being held by me. No one could hold her without her starting to scream. I will say she finally grew out of it. There is hope, so don’t give up!! Again, I will be praying for you my friend!!
First, let me just say that you are brave for writing this..I know how hard it must have been for you to get it out and let everyone in. That shows how much character you have.
Secondly, I could say that it will pass (which it will) but I know that doesn’t help you now. You are so strong for wanting to do all that you do for your family, but God doesn’t give you more than you can handle..I’m a firm believer in that. Keep smiling and know that little Eddie is giving you loads of ammunition for when he’s a teenager 😉
lots of hugs.
GO YOU!!!!! Good for you sharing this. It is HARD to have “one of those babies”. Little Monkey Man, as you know we call our second born on our blog, was “one of those babies”. We used to say, in all honesty, we knew why people shook babies. He’d cry for HOURS on end. And not just cry. SHREEEEEK. Scream. gag. It was awful.
Wearing him in a sling helped sometimes, but other times we’d have to make sure all of his needs were met, and then lay him in his crib and go in the backyard.
It sounds harsh. But we did. And you know what? All things considered he is “normal”. Ok, he’s crazy and loud, and very mischievous, but he’s normal :o) I don’t think those traits had anything to do with us taking a breather every once in awhile.
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I will be praying, and I’ve been there!
Hebrews 12:1-3
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. AND LET US RUN WITH PERSEVERANCE THE RACE MARKED OUT FOR US, FIXING OUR EYES ON JESUS, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
Praying for you!
Will be praying for Eddie and for you and for your whole family as you go through this. You don’t do it alone – God walks with you the whole way.
Love Becky