This is the post I never thought I would have to write.
See, I was a cocky mommy. I had the whole “three kids” thing down pat. I could get things done during the day and still be with my kids and still make dinner for the family and not fall asleep standing at the kitchen sink at 8:06pm.
Then Eddie came along.
I love Eddie. I adore him. I smother him in kisses and snuggles. I cant stand being away from him. He is beautiful and perfect and my sweet, precious baby.
But Eddie cries.
A lot. I dont know why. I have heard the term colicky being thrown around and refused to entertain the thought.
Not my baby. My baby could never cry for no reason… I am super mom! I would always be able to find a way to ease his discomfort and make things right.
But… and I am crying as I write this… I cant. I cant always make things right. Sometimes he just cries and I cant make it better.
And its killing me.
I think about him all the time. I think if only I could hold him all day long and cuddle him and nurse him he would be happy.
But I cant. I have three other kids and a husband and a home and I cant.
I just cant. I cant make my baby ok and I cant be the mom I was to my kids before Eddie came along and I cant make dinners every night and I cant work out like I should be and I cant update my blog and I cant write those darn thank you notes sitting on my dresser half done and I cant keep up with laundry and I cant homeschool and I cant make my baby stop crying.
The guilt is overwhelming. But I would take it all on and then some if I could just make my baby comfortable and happy.
So much of who I am is wrapped up into being a mother. And if I cant do this, well, I just dont want to face those thoughts.
There a moments… hours even… of peace. Where he drifts off into a blissful sleep. And lately, there are even moments when he is awake and he will smile! Where he will look into my eyes and lift up the side of his mouth like a mini Elvis. His eyes will twinkle as he gazes into mine and I am renewed in those precious moments of love.
I covet those moments… they are whats keeping me going.
Right now, I am just tired. And feeling like a failure. And wishing I could make everything alright. Just not knowing how.
I cannot tell you the struggle I have had in whether or not to share this. To tell the world (or my little corner of it) is a fear I didnt even know I had! But I selfishly just want to ask for a prayer.
If you have a moment, will you just pray for my little Eddie?
Oh, mama. I had those moments with my daughter when she was a baby and I know, all too well, the feelings of desperation you feel. I will definitely pray for your sweet boy. My daughter is 15 months old now and the days and days of crying are but a memory now. It will get better, he will stop crying for no reason, and life will return to normal before you know it!
You are a super mom. For all the things you do. For your love of your family. You surely must have some idea of how incredible you are. Once you get past this, and you will, you will look back at this time, and be that much more thankful for all you have. My little one was the same. I could do nothing to calm her. It was heartbreaking, to say the least. I cried all the time, because all I wanted to do was comfort her, and all my attempts to do so never seemed to be enough. I look at her now, and I get all teary eyed, because of all I went through with her. I believed I was a horrible mother. She is my constant reminder that motherhood is a challenge, but we get through the heartbreaking tough times, and we cherish those amazing moments in our adventures in motherhood – the good, the better, and the best. If you need someone to talk to, you feel free to e-mail me. You can call, text, send a post card, just to let it all out. You are so not alone. That was the tough part for me, thinking I was alone and no one would understand how I was feeling. I think by all the comments you just received, that you must have some idea how much we are all thinking of you, keeping you in our prayers, and not have a doubt in our minds that you will get through this.
It is so hard but you are an amazing mother. I’ll pray for Eddie.
I also want to tag on the people who mentioned reflux. Our E had silent reflux. He wouldn’t spit up but basically had heartburn 24/7 until we were able to figure it out. He was a much happier baby with a medication then! (and he grew out of it by the time he started solids)
Oh my…you know that song where the woman sings something like “he found my diary and read it out loud”. You are saying the words I felt every day WITH EACH OF MY THREE BOYS!! I know how you feel. My first son was colic for the first 3 months, my next boy was colic for 4months and Matthew, my 3rd son had it so bad it lasted 5.5 months. I use to stand in the shower and cry myself. Partly because the shower would drown out the noise and partly because I felt like such a total failure I didn’t know what else to do. And then there were these other little people who needed me just as much as the sweet baby did and I didn’t know if I could be all the things that were needed of me.
There is good news. It does get better. The days will come when you will notice that sweet Eddie cried a little less. (I remember being afraid to even acknowledge that we had a “better” or “almost good” day for fear that I would jinx myself. But those days do come. Go easy on yourself – the little people love you so much – they don’t notice that the laundry piled up – they even like wearing the same clothes in a row. I will pray for you the prayer I prayed nightly for months – “please let there be peace.”
And remember being a mother means your days are l-o-n-g but the years are short.
Oh Amanda, both you and Eddie are in my thoughts and prayers. Love to both of you from over here in NJ. I wish I were closer and could just come hold him for you while you do what you need to do. I’ve had my fair share of colicky babies through years of day care and nanny work, and it’s enough to drive a person to drink, without 4 other souls depending on you so much. If there’s anything you need, my darling – someone to listen on the phone, a guest post, anything – you just say the word.
Oh Amanda, both you and Eddie are in my thoughts and prayers. Love to both of you from over here in NJ. I wish I were closer and could just come hold him for you while you do what you need to do. I’ve had my fair share of colicky babies through years of day care and nanny work, and it’s enough to drive a person to drink, without 4 other souls depending on you so much. If there’s anything you need, my darling – someone to listen on the phone, a guest post, anything – you just say the word.
Amanda,
You have some great prayer support here and some practical advice as to how you might be able to help him feel better if he is colicky…now…ask for help in the other areas…I am not sure where your great support system is (family, church, friends, etc), but ask for help ( I know..it is humbling to ask for help, but do it…if this were one of my friends, I would be over at your house IN A SECOND, helping with laundry, bringing dinners, etc. You have a lot of VERY SMALL children and that alone make life hard…but you just had a baby…and that baby is crying for some reason…get help….do not try to do it all…decide what is most important RIGHT NOW and do that.
C~
Prayers headed your way! It gets better just hold on!
You are an amazing mom just by asking for prayers! Being a wife, mother, trying to manage a household, all can be overwhelming! Take it one day at a time… Cry if you have to… Emotions are a roller coaster~ just remember it does get better! I was once where you are! Hugs
Buckets of prayers coming your way. Praying for peace, support, time out. So glad you shared, and trusting that you feel the Lord’s presence in your life. Humble yourself. Cast your cares upon Him.
I will definitely be praying for you! And you shouldn’t feel selfish asking for prayers. I always felt this way too, but the other day I read that asking for prayer is acknowledging that we are not God and that we need His help. And He loves helping his children!