I just need a moment to breath.
And I have a feeling you do too.
These last two months have been a whirlwind. I have laughed and cried. I have been humbled beyond words and I have felt so disappointed that I am ashamed it rocked me to my core.
The highest of highs and lowest of lows, so to speak.
For example, I worked my butt off on a cake. From conception to completion, every detail was meticulously thought out. I worked for DAYS to make sure this cake was perfect. 
I am not kidding you when I say I put my heart into it. As I placed the final coat of frosting and added the final details, I just knew this cake was going to be amazing.
I could just see it… the TODAY Show producers would see it and mouths would drop. People would hover around computers to look at the pictures.
The call would be made, “Pack your bags, you are coming to NYC!” 
It turned out beautifully. Every painstaking detail!
I sat on pins and needles for days.
And days.
And days.
And never heard a word. Not only were they not impressed, but there was no call. I would not be making a morning show appearance.
I can’t say for certain why it hit me so hard, but I can’t help but feel like it had something to do with the expectations I had unwittingly placed on that silly little cake. Its like my entire career as an author and baker was resting delicately on clouds of white buttercream. When reality set it, it was a crushing and embarrassing defeat.
There is just something different about publishing a book. I know people equate it to childbirth, and I can definitely understand why, but for me it was very different.
Concerning my children, once they are in the world they are perfect and loved and there is no convincing me otherwise. They, in their unquestionable perfection, are the greatest thing I have ever had a hand in creating. And their perfection and amazingness truth is independent of me. In that, there is no doubt.
With the book, the failure is a direct result of me. My efforts. Will someone hold it and understand my heart? Will they look over the less-than-refined cakes and see the memories I hope will be made or the inspiration I desperately want to share? Will they understand that I have never in my life been so vulnerable publically and that it’s absolutely terrifying?
Well no, of course not. It would be silly to expect people to read that deeply into my words and hear my heart. It’s a book about cake.
The truth is, I am not a New York Times best selling author as badly as I wanted to say those words.
And that’s ok.
There have been interviews and reviews and thankfully, the amazing and supportive blogging community has stepped forward and shared some of the most kind and humbling posts I could ever imagine. Every single one of those posts and a treasure to me! (See them here)
I heard a quote once that has really stuck with me as a blogger, and now author. (It was said by Ellen DeGeneres and I can’t remember it exactly, so this is a paraphrase.)
“Never believe the worst of what people say about you. Never believe the best either.”
As much as I want to believe the best of what others say, it holds no more truth than the worst.
What I am learning is that it is important to trust and value the opinions of those close to you.
That when my husband surprises me with flowers and says, “I am so proud of you,” that is something I can let fill my soul.
So instead of never sharing my cakes with the world and acting like everything is fine and dandy and that rejection and hurt don’t come ’round here, I choose to be real.
(I had started with the NBC Peacock logo but it was not as sharp and clean and I wanted so I discarded it and kept working.)
I made a surprise inside cake for the TODAY show. And they didn’t care about it one way or another.
But that doesn’t it make it any less valuable or significant to me.
If you would like to support this sometimes maker of pretty cakes and accidental writer, you can get my book HERE.
For the record, Amanda – your TODAY cake is utterly gorgeous. I don’t think I could ever, EVER EVER make a dessert as stunning as that. Your talent is remarkable. Thank you for being so real in this post. I find it comforting to read that bloggers I look up to are facing the same challenges that I am.
Writing my cookbook was the hardest thing I have ever done. I don’t have any children to compare, so it’s safe to say that this book was the most demanding, trying experience of my life. And you know what? Not everyone is going to like it! And that’s ok. I knew my book was a success the minute I heard my mom sob tears of joy on the phone because I dedicated the book to my late grandma. And that her cookie recipe is featured inside. That’s enough for me. The sprinkles on my cover might be too bright, but that’s how I like my sprinkles!! Amanda, I hope you feel the success from all the blood, sweat, and tears you shed during Surprise Inside Cakes’ writing – your book is mind-blowing! This whole experience is certainly surreal – trust me, I’m feeling it too. xo
Totally in tears thinking about your mom and what your dedication to your grandma meant to her. Your book is beautiful Sally. Your words are so sweet and the recipes even sweeter! Knowing how hard you worked and that your blood, sweat, and tears are on those pages makes it all the more precious to me. (and mine is even signed!! #feelinglucky) Thank you for these beautiful words here. So thankful for you!
Ok, so I am sitting here in tears. Not what I expected when I clicked on the blog post link. Amanda, you are dear to so many. So many that don’t know you. Your cakes always amaze me. Thank you so much for being transparent and sharing your experience. I love the part about being content with hearing your husband say how proud he is of you. Congratulations on your book. It is still a wonderful accomplishment in a long line of many great achievements. One day you will hear, well done, my good and faithful servant….and nothing else will matter. xoxo
Feeling so blessed to call you friend. 🙂
The cake is amazing because of the love you put into it. Your honesty is really refreshing and sums up what most cake makers feel daily. I feel sick every weekend when customers come to pick up their cakes. All the questions running through my head “Will they love it” , “Did I exceed their expectations” “Will they tell others about my work in a positive light’. Reading your post has a put a smile on my face and reminded me that we are all human and as long as we love what we do, we will always be successful x Rachael from Oh Sugar! Sydney Australia
Yes… you are exactly right!!! And I am so glad you are smiling my friend! Waving to you in Sydney! (someday I need to visit!!!)
Sydney is beautiful yet I am biased 😉
I love your blog I love your book and you have inspired me….I carry your book around with me…I’m serious! Here’s a funny little story..I got your book during my lunch hour and when I saw the boot cake I knew I had to make it for my cowboy husband so I started making plans to get started as soon as I got home, during my break I started reading the book from the beginning and one part made me burst out laughing. .what did it say…if you have never made a surprise Inside cake do not start with the boot cake! So I have yet to make a cake but for sure I will start with a much more simple cake!
LOL!! That seriously makes me laugh out loud!! I love it. Did you know I have a story about that cake too? I talk about how it is not the prettiest cake in the book, how it is unrefined and awkward. But I left it in because it was so sentimental to me. I could not have done any of the book without Ree and her support and words of wisdom, so that ugly cake stayed in the book!!! I just love that it has now bonded us forever! 🙂
Dearest sweet, Amanda. I feel your heart throughout each post you write and each beautiful cake you create. 🙂 We bakers are kindred hearts and, therefore, understand and appreciate all the creativity and hard work that goes into exceptional baked creations like yours. Each cake is a stunning work of art with some architecture thrown in. At times, I have felt the same sting and heavy heart being a new food blogger in the community as you have felt in this instance. Rejection is not a good feeling. But, it is an immense freeing type of feeling to know not everybody must like you or your work. (Hey, some people just have poor taste. Right? Ha!) Take heart in knowing there are those who appreciate and support you. Concentrate your heart and mind on those blessings. I say, to heck with anyone and everything else and forge ahead with your own unique dreams and goals! xo
Stacy- You have always been such a wonderfully supportive and encouraging friend. Your heart for others is unequalled, much like your talent! So thankful for you. Be blessed!
Amanda,
First of all, your blog and your book are absolutely stunning and packed with creativity.
Second, it is so refreshing (not the right word, but I can’t really pin point what I’m thinking of) to read of the truths you are feeling. It is easy as an outsider to assume that authoring a gorgeous cookbook would be the most spectacular experience, and that there would be very few negative feelings involved. Your are so generous to share your experience so that the rest of us can understand a little bit of what you’re going through.
Third, Today is crazy for not having anything to say about that cake! It is spectacular! Please don’t let them wreck your day. We, as your readers will love you and your work no matter if they feature you on every morning show or not. (Although they really should, because I would love to hear about that experience as well.)
Anyhow, keep up your magnificent work, it is beautiful and inspiring. Thank you for sharing your talent for us to enjoy.
-Mandy
THank you Mandy. Your words mean a great deal to me!
Thank you so much for being real. You are so successful in getting a cookbook deal with amazing reviews and that people love coming to your blog to read about family and recipes. Maybe for some unknown reason you weren’t meant to be on the Today show and God has something bigger and better planned out for you. Thanks for the great inspiration that you have given to all of us.
Dearest, dearest Amanda – You have accomplished more than millions of others will accomplish in a million times LESS time! PLEASE, please do not discount yourself for ONE MOMENT! I will not have it, hear me? You are AH-MAZING, you are so gifted and believe me when I tell you that the Today Show (matters NOT!) most likely doesn’t even realize they rejected you! In fact, I am sure they haven’t! And what if they did? Your book is on fire – your blog has been a must-read for years, you are genuine, you are above all and best of all a fantastic mother, wife and friend and in my book, (not published but just as valid!) you were before, you are now and you will always be a best seller for those BEST reasons!!
Darling girl – your star has just begun to rise! You are destined for so much more than you already have – just remember that what you already have is pretty fantastic – Today Show or NO Today Show!
Despite the fact that your Today Show cake was not featured on the Today Show, I LOVED seeing it! Another triumph in surprise cakes. Bravo you!
xo
Hey Amanda – that is some awesome cake you made (their loss). I know people say having a book published is like giving birth, but to me it is more like finishing a long, tough academic program and finally getting that degree. Newly minted it feels great, fabulous and freaking fantastic. And then reality sort of rolls in. Some people are interested in what you did, others not so much. Some act interested and vanish, never to be heard from again. Others are your new best friends and others who were friends are not so much anymore. It’s a whirlwind. But at the end of the day – you contributed a piece of literature to the world (even a cookbook) and it will always be there. Forever. It is like a living piece of who you are that goes on. I imagine my great grandchildren coming across our book one day and learning more about us through our baking than any photo or story could reveal. I bet you feel that way, too. The stuff you are feeling post publishing is all perfectly normal. The good news is that you aren’t alone. The bad news is that hardly anyone ever talks about it. I’m glad you showed us the cake. It’s mighty nice. And don’t be surprised if you get contacted about that cake way long after you’ve given up on hearing anything. : )
You are so right Lisa. I absolutely love that analogy and thank you for sharing it!! What a blessing you are sweet friend. 🙂
Amanda, I honestly don’t know why the Today Show didn’t choose to have you be on their show and display this beautiful cake, because I can tell you from seeing you demonstrate your cherry cake and the joy and pride you exhibited about your book at the Kitchen In the Market event, they are missing out on showcasing some serious talent.
That said, don’t let it get in the way of feeling every bit of that pride and joy for your cookbook, as you deserve! It is a majorly impressive thing to not only create a cookbook, but one with so many beautiful, creative cakes. I know I’m not the Today Show but I think you’re pretty fantastic. Also I’d never be dumb enough to turn down a cake someone made for me. 🙂
This means a lot coming from you, as I truly respect and adore your thoughts and opinions! And that last line pretty much cemented you as the wisest person to ever live, ever. 😉