I just need a moment to breath.
And I have a feeling you do too.
These last two months have been a whirlwind. Â I have laughed and cried. Â I have been humbled beyond words and I have felt so disappointed that I am ashamed it rocked me to my core.
The highest of highs and lowest of lows, so to speak.
For example, I worked my butt off on a cake. Â From conception to completion, every detail was meticulously thought out. Â I worked for DAYS to make sure this cake was perfect. 
I am not kidding you when I say I put my heart into it. Â As I placed the final coat of frosting and added the final details, I just knew this cake was going to be amazing.
I could just see it… the TODAY Show producers would see it and mouths would drop. Â People would hover around computers to look at the pictures.
The call would be made, “Pack your bags, you are coming to NYC!” 
It turned out beautifully. Â Every painstaking detail!
I sat on pins and needles for days.
And days.
And days.
And never heard a word. Â Not only were they not impressed, but there was no call. Â I would not be making a morning show appearance.
I can’t say for certain why it hit me so hard, but I can’t help but feel like it had something to do with the expectations I had unwittingly placed on that silly little cake. Â Its like my entire career as an author and baker was resting delicately on clouds of white buttercream. When reality set it, it was a crushing and embarrassing defeat.
There is just something different about publishing a book. Â I know people equate it to childbirth, and I can definitely understand why, Â but for me it was very different.
Concerning my children, once they are in the world they are perfect and loved and there is no convincing me otherwise.  They, in their unquestionable perfection, are the greatest thing I have ever had a hand in creating.  And their perfection and amazingness truth is independent of me.  In that, there is no doubt.
With the book, the failure is a direct result of me. Â My efforts. Â Will someone hold it and understand my heart? Â Will they look over the less-than-refined cakes and see the memories I hope will be made or the inspiration I desperately want to share? Â Will they understand that I have never in my life been so vulnerable publically and that it’s absolutely terrifying?
Well no, of course not. Â It would be silly to expect people to read that deeply into my words and hear my heart. Â It’s a book about cake.
The truth is, I am not a New York Times best selling author as badly as I wanted to say those words.
And that’s ok.
There have been interviews and reviews and thankfully, the amazing and supportive blogging community has stepped forward and shared some of the most kind and humbling posts I could ever imagine.  Every single one of those posts and a treasure to me! (See them here)
I heard a quote once that has really stuck with me as a blogger, and now author. Â (It was said by Ellen DeGeneres and I can’t remember it exactly, so this is a paraphrase.)
“Never believe the worst of what people say about you. Â Never believe the best either.”
As much as I want to believe the best of what others say, it holds no more truth than the worst.
What I am learning is that it is important to trust and value the opinions of those close to you.
That when my husband surprises me with flowers and says, “I am so proud of you,” that is something I can let fill my soul. Â
So instead of never sharing my cakes with the world and acting like everything is fine and dandy and that rejection and hurt don’t come ’round here, I choose to be real.
(I had started with the NBC Peacock logo but it was not as sharp and clean and I wanted so I discarded it and kept working.)
I made a surprise inside cake for the TODAY show. Â And they didn’t care about it one way or another.
But that doesn’t it make it any less valuable or significant to me. Â
If you would like to support this sometimes maker of pretty cakes and accidental writer, you can get my book HERE.
You should make a Good Morning America cake. They would love it.
Amanda,
Ever since I found your blog I have been hooked! You have taught me and inspired me through your blog. As a fellow stay at home mum and baker I have often come to your blog for inspiration.
I learned the buttercream rose technique from you and I have used it on my cakes and received great responses. I’m glad I “met” you!
This post has taught me to face my “failures”, learn from them, accept them and move on. We are always the hardest on ourselves yet we shouldn’t be. Your first line says you just need a moment to breathe, we all find ourselves needing that moment and its inspiring that even you, someone I look up to, can admit it.
I don’t have your book yet, I hope to buy it someday :). I can’t wait to own it and try the cakes!
Thank you for being real.
Love from Nairobi, Kenya!
A wonderful reminder to believe in oneself. To trust that hard work has value, even if it isn’t recognized by the masses. To celebrate ones own accomplishments, and delight in successes (big or small)! I think your cake is exquisite. And I feel like working a little harder today – for me.
As difficult as this post might have been to write, just know that it was very powerful and real. I have no idea why the Today Show didn’t choose to have you on the show (because that cake is AMAZING–seriously, I have no idea how you created that), but just know that your hard work and creativity are valued!
You should be so proud of the countless people you have inspired with your creations. I for one am SO excited to recreate your amazing surprise inside cakes for my kid’s birthdays this year. I love to bake, and decorate cakes, your blog has insprired my own designs. Keep up the good work!!
This is amazing! Who cares what the Today Show thinks! Your book is on my wishlist for my birthday tomorrow. Can’t wait to try a cake from it.
Amanda:
Your book may not be a best seller, but think about how many people you have touched and how many people have learned from you!! Every time, every single time I make a rose cake, and I get ooohs and aaahs from my friends and family, I think of you. Think about that happening, times 1,000,000, every time your readers try your recipes and techniques. Isn’t that amazing?
Now, I want a signed copy of your book. Now. So email me, weinda at yahoo dot com with an invoice, or else!!! 🙂
You are amazing. Enough said.
xoxoxo,
Wendy
Amanda, thank you for opening up your heart. I cannot imagine the vulnerability and courage it takes to publish a book. When you spend so much time and heart and energy on something it’s so easy to make it feel like it’s you. But even though it might be a piece of you, it isn’t you. Your talent, your grace, your kind spirit, your devotion, your faith cannot all be contained in the pages of a book. And a book could never add or detract from who you are–beloved child of God, wife, awesome mother. I just want you to know how much your words have helped me. I struggle with confusing my blog with my identity. And if it’s successful, I’m successful. If it’s loved by many, I’m loved by many. But my real identity is in Christ, and that’s what matters most. You are loved and accepted just as you are–the good and the bad. Thanks for sharing, friend. Praying for rest and lots of soul filling for you today!
You have touched and inspired people from Maine to Australia and beyond – THAT seems to be a very good indicator of success in my opinion. I have personally spent many hours paging through your book and website and am always amazed and entertained. You are more than a TV show…..
Amanda –
Your cakes are beautiful, your book is beautiful and you are beautiful in your honesty and character. Don’t let the Today people or others like them define you – you are better than that and I can tell that you realize it. You and your family are the lucky ones.
I understand the disappointment and I believe that you have taken lemons and made lemonade from them : )
You go girl!!!