I just need a moment to breath.
And I have a feeling you do too.
These last two months have been a whirlwind. I have laughed and cried. I have been humbled beyond words and I have felt so disappointed that I am ashamed it rocked me to my core.
The highest of highs and lowest of lows, so to speak.
For example, I worked my butt off on a cake. From conception to completion, every detail was meticulously thought out. I worked for DAYS to make sure this cake was perfect. 
I am not kidding you when I say I put my heart into it. As I placed the final coat of frosting and added the final details, I just knew this cake was going to be amazing.
I could just see it… the TODAY Show producers would see it and mouths would drop. People would hover around computers to look at the pictures.
The call would be made, “Pack your bags, you are coming to NYC!” 
It turned out beautifully. Every painstaking detail!
I sat on pins and needles for days.
And days.
And days.
And never heard a word. Not only were they not impressed, but there was no call. I would not be making a morning show appearance.
I can’t say for certain why it hit me so hard, but I can’t help but feel like it had something to do with the expectations I had unwittingly placed on that silly little cake. Its like my entire career as an author and baker was resting delicately on clouds of white buttercream. When reality set it, it was a crushing and embarrassing defeat.
There is just something different about publishing a book. I know people equate it to childbirth, and I can definitely understand why, but for me it was very different.
Concerning my children, once they are in the world they are perfect and loved and there is no convincing me otherwise. They, in their unquestionable perfection, are the greatest thing I have ever had a hand in creating. And their perfection and amazingness truth is independent of me. In that, there is no doubt.
With the book, the failure is a direct result of me. My efforts. Will someone hold it and understand my heart? Will they look over the less-than-refined cakes and see the memories I hope will be made or the inspiration I desperately want to share? Will they understand that I have never in my life been so vulnerable publically and that it’s absolutely terrifying?
Well no, of course not. It would be silly to expect people to read that deeply into my words and hear my heart. It’s a book about cake.
The truth is, I am not a New York Times best selling author as badly as I wanted to say those words.
And that’s ok.
There have been interviews and reviews and thankfully, the amazing and supportive blogging community has stepped forward and shared some of the most kind and humbling posts I could ever imagine. Every single one of those posts and a treasure to me! (See them here)
I heard a quote once that has really stuck with me as a blogger, and now author. (It was said by Ellen DeGeneres and I can’t remember it exactly, so this is a paraphrase.)
“Never believe the worst of what people say about you. Never believe the best either.”
As much as I want to believe the best of what others say, it holds no more truth than the worst.
What I am learning is that it is important to trust and value the opinions of those close to you.
That when my husband surprises me with flowers and says, “I am so proud of you,” that is something I can let fill my soul.
So instead of never sharing my cakes with the world and acting like everything is fine and dandy and that rejection and hurt don’t come ’round here, I choose to be real.
(I had started with the NBC Peacock logo but it was not as sharp and clean and I wanted so I discarded it and kept working.)
I made a surprise inside cake for the TODAY show. And they didn’t care about it one way or another.
But that doesn’t it make it any less valuable or significant to me.
If you would like to support this sometimes maker of pretty cakes and accidental writer, you can get my book HERE.
There’s so much that I want to say to you right now, Amanda… so much that NEEDS to be said, but I can’t stop crying long enough to see through my tear stained eyes to type them out.
How can I be so proud of someone that I’ve never personally met? How can I feel this depth of connection and compassion, and empathy for you? How is it that I want to scratch the eyes out of the person who discarded your hard work with the click of button?
I think I may have an idea of why….
It’s because despite living a thousand miles apart, being 2 decades different in age, and having the furthest extreme of difference in our ability to create gorgeous food, you and I are sisters, Amanda… loved by the same Father who brought us into this world for the unique purpose of making a difference in the lives of others… one beautiful bite at a time. You, my love, are SO well on His path that all I can hear right now is our loving God’s voice singing your praises up in Heaven. You bring such joy to the lives of so many, and I can’t possibly love you any less than I do right now.
I FEEL THE SAME ABOUT YOU!!! I am printing off this comment and hanging it on my mirror. SOOOO blessed to know the amazingness that is YOU!
I know exactly how you feel. I went to a Jackie Evancho concert and wanted to give her a little gift. I made her some cookies that were adorable. I handcut 3 dress cookies to match 3 of her concert dresses. I had some edible images made of her CD and album covers and replicated Tshirts and CD cases that were sold at the event and on-line. I emailed her father ahead of time to ask where they should be delivered – no response. I gave them to security at the venue and I know they were delivered but I don’t if Jackie actually saw them. Not sure what her parents did with them. Heard nothing. Nada. I was so disappointed. Nevertheless, I don’t regret making them. I learned not to order edible images in the winter if they are being shipped 300 mi. bec the cold makes them slide off the backing sheet and they crumble to pieces. I learned that what was precious to me – for others, well, not so much. Lesson learned. Painful? Yes, Would I do it again? Yes. Love all your posts Amanda. And I ordered one of your books last week. Can’t wait to get it!
Oh Jadine… my heart just breaks thinking about that! About every little detail that you poured yourself into… only to never know what came of it. I am SO encouraged that after all that, you would DO IT AGAIN! Love your comment and am totally inspired by you. 🙂
Hi Amanda,
I don’t have a copy of your book yet but it has been added in my wish list. I am a regular reader of your blog & leave some sporadic comments as well. I absolutely adore you and your blog. I just love reading each and every post of yours and you inspire me to no end.
I have been facing rejection in blogging field quite a bit from beginning including rejection by BlogHer, Google Adsense, famous bloggers, Tastespotting, Foodgawker, etc etc. But your post about believing in oneself and letting myself be the barometer helped me move on and keep on trying.
Recently I was interviewed for a Lifestyle Magazine in India and I was asked about “My favorite Blog” and below in quotes is my response, “There is one blog which I repeatedly check & never miss a post – I am Baker by Amanda Rettke. I find her witty, charming and ready to laugh at her own self and share with the world.”
You may not know me but I am happy to know YOU. You have made a difference in my life.
So do believe in yourself and keep on inspiring people. Continue to tempt us with your beautiful creations, beautiful words and a beautiful YOU.
I am lucky to have known you in this virtual world. 🙂
Oh wow. This has me in tears Deepali. To know that we are kindred spirits, making our way through this world sharing a passion for baking is just awesome. Thank you for this. And I too, feel lucky to know YOU!!
This post, wow, it made me tear up. It was so beautifully written and from the heart. That cake you made is simply GORGEOUS! And you book? that kind of awesomeness is a rarity to come across-each recipe and page is like a piece of artwork! Here’s a little ‘YOU GO GIRL’ !!!
Thanks Phi!! You just made my day with this comment. Feeling pretty blessed! Thank you and I hope YOUR day is blessed!!
I have been following you for years now. By just going to your site, by email and otherwise. You are amazing and I started baking after getting inspired by your website.
What ever happens, you are an inspiration and a guru for a lot of people the world over.
*HUGS*
PS: I read you blog from Dubai, UAE so trust me when I say that your blog is truly international. 🙂
Thank you M! I sincerely appreciate you sharing that. 🙂
Dear Amanda, your cake is lovely, so is all your work, and so are you as a person! Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings, I honestly hope you feel better and you should because there is no real defeat behind your expectations. You have gone a very long way and you’ll be proud of that when you stop demanding so much from yourself. Other people’s opinions don’t count right now, all that counts is what you feel in your heart, and from what you’ve said, I believe you feel the love of your friends, family and loved ones. Stick to that, you’re a very successful woman if you can say you still have that when the media is not going crazy over you. It’s easy to like the “successful” and popular ones, but the real love is having your husband and kids feeling proud of their hard working mummy! Keep smiling and doing what you do, we followers LOVE it!!!
Thank you Tesei! That means a LOT to me. 🙂
I don’t make beautiful cakes & I barely write letters so I have very little in common with you. I have been struggling with a couple of things that have hurt and confused me. When I read your Cake Story today, all of a sudden I felt so terrible for you and realized we all go thru hard things in our lives. Knowing I’m not alone and thinking about someone else is a good start to put one foot in front of the other and start over. I just wish I had a piece of cake to eat..guess I’ll go buy that book of yours…
Hey Joanie! I am sending you the biggest prayers right now… hoping you can actually feel a big warm hug. Be encouraged and strengthened dear girl, and know that we will get through these trials! please let me know if there is something specific I can be praying on for you!
Maybe it’s just a “not right now” moment. Your work is amazing and beautiful! Love this cake!
Love the cake, love the honesty even more!
I just made your Neapolitan Hi hat cake for my nephews birthday. Unfortunately the strawberry cake portion was a disaster, but I learned a lot and will try again this week. I know if I get it right it will become my new favorite cake because the cake batter was sooooo delicious. I really enjoy your blog & I really LOVE your new book, so thank you!!!
Amanda,
What a blog! Thank you. The heartfelt comments from so many speak “success.” Those of us who have followed you know how gifted and talented you are. My business partner and I are within a few weeks of knocking on doors with our own self-published book. I appreciate your openness to share the highs and lows of being an author. We are first-timers too. You are on the right path, touching others. I have ordered your book! I know I’ll love it.
Thank you Linda! What is your book about? Baking? 🙂 I wish you the BEST of luck throughout the whole process!!!