This is the post I never thought I would have to write.
See, I was a cocky mommy. I had the whole “three kids” thing down pat. I could get things done during the day and still be with my kids and still make dinner for the family and not fall asleep standing at the kitchen sink at 8:06pm.
Then Eddie came along.
I love Eddie. I adore him. I smother him in kisses and snuggles. I cant stand being away from him. He is beautiful and perfect and my sweet, precious baby.
But Eddie cries.
A lot. I dont know why. I have heard the term colicky being thrown around and refused to entertain the thought.
Not my baby. My baby could never cry for no reason… I am super mom! I would always be able to find a way to ease his discomfort and make things right.
But… and I am crying as I write this… I cant. I cant always make things right. Sometimes he just cries and I cant make it better.
And its killing me.
I think about him all the time. I think if only I could hold him all day long and cuddle him and nurse him he would be happy.
But I cant. I have three other kids and a husband and a home and I cant.
I just cant. I cant make my baby ok and I cant be the mom I was to my kids before Eddie came along and I cant make dinners every night and I cant work out like I should be and I cant update my blog and I cant write those darn thank you notes sitting on my dresser half done and I cant keep up with laundry and I cant homeschool and I cant make my baby stop crying.
The guilt is overwhelming. But I would take it all on and then some if I could just make my baby comfortable and happy.
So much of who I am is wrapped up into being a mother. And if I cant do this, well, I just dont want to face those thoughts.
There a moments… hours even… of peace. Where he drifts off into a blissful sleep. And lately, there are even moments when he is awake and he will smile! Where he will look into my eyes and lift up the side of his mouth like a mini Elvis. His eyes will twinkle as he gazes into mine and I am renewed in those precious moments of love.
I covet those moments… they are whats keeping me going.
Right now, I am just tired. And feeling like a failure. And wishing I could make everything alright. Just not knowing how.
I cannot tell you the struggle I have had in whether or not to share this. To tell the world (or my little corner of it) is a fear I didnt even know I had! But I selfishly just want to ask for a prayer.
If you have a moment, will you just pray for my little Eddie?
Prayers for you & your sweet little guy!! Both my girls were like that until I cut out dairy & soy. Their little tummies just hurt & made them cry & cry. It’s hard as a mom to hear your kids cry. I feel for you & your family. Hang in there!! Thanks for being brave & sharing!!
My friend Nancy asked me to stop by – and while I don’t have any children of my own, I do empathize. I have three stepchildren, two of which are unbelievably trying (they have multiple behavioral disorders – ADHD, bipolar, Aspergers) and sometimes, it gets to that point where you feel helpless and like you can’t keep up. But please remember – you aren’t given anything you cannot handle, so trust in the fact that your love for your little one and the rest of your family will not only be enough, but the fact that you care so much right now that it’s bringing you to tears makes all the difference. That little boy (and the rest of your family) will grow up and get past this, and he will KNOW that his mommy loves him with all of her heart. Also, you are ALWAYS allowed to ask for help – so please call family and friends to take him for a while. Even an hour. You need your time too, to rejuvenate. So many hugs going your way!
Praying for you and Eddie. It WILL get better . . .
Praying for you. You will get through this.
This brought back tears! That was my first (only) baby. He’s now 2, but Lord I did not think we’d make it past month 2! That kid screamed constantly, there was nothing that helped him, no rubbing, no patting, no walking, no bottle, no tylenol, no nothing. So to the net I went, and eventually found symptoms for silent reflux. They fit my baby to a T…but proving that to the doctors was another thing. After a day of screaming where my hubby would sleep for 2 hours, then I would sleep for 2 hours, and so on, I finally marched my butt and my son to the dr. made them watch what was happening when my son ate, and then proceeded to sit there for about half an hour as he screamed before they said “maybe” I was right. By then it was already too late, my son had equated pain to eating, so he began refusing to eat and we ended up in the hospital. PLEASE get him checked for reflux. Not all babies are what they call “happy spitters”. Some unfortunatley swallow and reswallow all that acid that rises up. Getting that help made a WORLD of difference. That being said, I know the strength it took to write this post. I wrote a very similar post on a pregnancy website. You have SO much love and help all around you. Something that worked for me is a half an hour of just me time. I used it to go to the gym, but do whatever, just make sure you are along. Hubby or whoever can take charge for 30 minutes. Remember you cannot take care of anyone until you take care of yourelf! ((HUGS))
look into acid reflux…both my kids had it. my son had a really bad case of it (he was my first) and it terrified me. he cried and cried and cried and there was nothing i could do to help him. until i convinced his pediatrician that something was wrong i remember telling him “if this is colic then 50% of babies would not survive infancy.” it was horrible and i actually had some bad thoughts due to the exhaustion and never ending crying. his medication (he was on prevacid for 18 months) was amazing. if i took him off it for even a day the cries started up again, but when he was on it it was night & day. as a seasoned mom, you must know that eddie isn’t behaving normally. talk to your pediatrician about it until he helps you figure it out. if he writes you off, try again. or find a new doctor. good luck!
praying for you, sweet mama! xoxo
Psalm 54:4
Behold, God is my helper;
the Lord is the upholder of my life.
Sending love and prayers for your whole family. You will get through this. *hugs*
I completely understand all of your feelings, emotions, and frustrations. Our now 2 year old son (Hunter) was what we called a very fussy baby – only we knew it was not a normal fussy. We also have a daughter 2 years older than our son. Hunter cried *all the time*. We were all miserable. I was nursing Hunter, and our pediatrician mentioned that she sees quite a few babies with a milk/soy protein intolerance. I *love* dairy and ate alot of it – cheese, yogurt, milk, ice cream, butter…. Turns out Hunter could not digest the cow milk protein that passed thru my milk. It is *not* a lactose intolerance. So, I cut out all dairy and soy for a couple weeks to see if it helped – it takes so time to purge from mom’s system – and we were amazed to finally have the baby boy that we could enjoy so much! The diet was difficult, but SO worth it. I eventually had to start traveling for work when Hunter was about 6 months old, which makes it very hard to adhere to that diet, so we had to switch him to formula (boo!). We used Nutramigen (expensive and smelly, but it WORKED). He outgrew the intolerance and was able to switch to whole milk just fine around 13 months. I am so thankful that my pediatrician made the dairy suggestion. Do some quick research on MSPI (milk soy protein intolerance) and see if you can relate to the symptoms. I have a ton of resources I could send your way via email if interested.
Hang in there mama! You and Eddie will get through this and come out just fine on the other side. ((hugs))